Monday, March 28, 2011
What's Wrong With Me??
Despite being surrounded by friends who love me, I feel more alone than ever. I can't help but get angry at those who try to cheer me up or snap at those who ask the questions, "How are you??" All it took was for me to walk from Case back to my Northwoods apartment to start crying. Of course, I couldn't show it. I knew at least one of my housemates would be in the living room studying if not two. I couldn't admit to them what I'm feeling. I don't even know for sure what I'm feeling to be honest. It feels like loneliness but it also feels like anger, hatred, and fear. Those tend to rule most of my emotions. I can't remember who said it now but someone once told me that negative emotions are just the absence of happiness. Well duh. But really at this point I feel like a dementor is on the approach because I don't feel like I can be happy right now. I find myself crying, once again, alone in my room wondering if I want to talk to someone about what I'm feeling. I generally run to Chris but he won't be there forever. I don't even feel like he's really there for me now (which is absolute crap because he has been nothing but supportive in my attempt to stop being a self-loathing, pessimistic bitch to the world). I don't feel like I can do this on my own. I need someone there. I need someone who I can trust. I need someone who I know won't judge me. I know that I have these people in my life who will be there for me, who will let me trust them, who won't judge me.... But knowing is entirely different from feeling it. I don't know how to change my thoughts around. I just know that I need to. For my health and happiness, I need to start seeing the up side to things. If you know how to help me, please let me know. Until then... Laters.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Spring Break Recapitulation
Well I'm back at school and you know what that means.... Yes, less than 2 months till graduation. Oh yea it also means UPDATE TIME!! So here's what happened over the last week (spring break).
Thursday, March 10: Packed and anxiously awaited morning to come so that I could hop on a plane for San Francisco. I had a million and one things to do, not to mention I went and visited Cupcake H at the Condom Carnival. She was working and I just wanted to see how down hill the event has gone since frosh year. I contemplated not sleeping that night so that I could get everything done. I sent a text to Breakbeats to ask if we wanted to cancel practice. I know I did. The general consensus was, "Yes cancel because I'm already on my way home." So I went ahead and canceled practice giving me two extra hours to cross things off my To Do list. Then I hung out with Chris because he always calms me down when I'm feeling like I'm about throw myself out a window just to get away from too many obligations. I don't think I've ever had that much fun before traveling before.
Friday, March 11: Woke up and got straight to work. I had to hide the mice because I wasn't sure if anyone would be checking in on our house. That took a fair bit of creativity. Then I packed the last of my things, went to the Skidshop to get my pay check (aka money for spring break), and headed out to my car. It had been raining so the snow was finally melting into slush and it wasn't too icy. I didn't have much problem leaving but navigating the long term parking structure was interesting to say the least. I finally got into the airport and checked in and got to my gate. Before I knew it I was in SF texting Fink to pick me up. I had a smile that stretched from Hawaii to New York about the next week. Of course I also had butterflies. He picked me up and I was so happy to see him. When we got to his house he suggested we chill in the hot tub (HELLS YES). It was nice to relax and loosen up after two flights and a lay over. Not sure how long we stayed in there because I'm pretty sure I passed out a couple times. After a quick shower I crashed (really early) from jet lag.
Saturday, March 12: Woke up way too early for the west coast. Hung out and watched TV just waiting for Fink to wake up. Once he did we ate breakfast and headed into the city. I absolutely LOVE San Francisco. I couldn't help but enjoy every site and sound that surrounded me. The beautiful buildings, the gorgeous water.... EVERYTHING. It was so much fun to walk around, up and down the hills. We hung out and watch a couple of shows at Fisherman's Wharf. Best Saturday by far. Did I mention we ate at Rain Forest Cafe?? YUMMMM :D We were planning on going out that night but I kinda passed out around 8:30 when we got home from playing in the city. I woke back up around 11:30 but was still pretty tired so we decided to just go to bed.
Sunday, March 13: To be honest, I don't really remember what we did during the day. I remember going to the city for dinner and walking around for some awesome night shots. The reason I don't remember much of what we did was simply that it was starting to get awkward between us. I guess we really didn't know each other that well so we just didn't have much to talk about. We talked about movies and music but our tastes are so different that we both felt like we were explaining everything rather than relating over it. It was rather uncomfortable.
Monday, March 14: Fink had work so I spent the day by myself in the city. I walked EVERYWHERE. I went to SFMOMA and thoroughly enjoyed myself there. Then I walked around just chillin at the Westfield Shopping Center and Embarcadero Plaza. I met up with Fink after he was done with work. Then we went home and watched a couple movies. We didn't really talk much that day either.... I had an awesome time in SF but to be honest, I was kinda glad to be leaving the next day. We just didn't have a very strong friendship to spend so much time alone together.
Tuesday, March 15: My sister and mom picked me up and we headed into the city for lunch. We ended up eating at Boudin down at the pier (YUMMM). Shortly after we headed up to Redding. It was raining practically the entire time. We spent the night in Redding. This was the day of travel... just a small look into what we would be doing the rest of the week.
Wednesday, March 16: Early in the morning we left Redding to go up to Bend. We saw the campus and met my faculty. I was thrilled to hear that I was accepted from the woman who interviewed me. A little out of the ordinary to hear it rather than read it from the letter but awesome nonetheless. After we were done at OSU-Cascades we headed up to Tacoma.
Thursday, March 17: We woke up and visited UPS. Mom enjoyed seeing the campus and all the new expansions since she was last there. We toured the city and went to a bunch of different places. Then we went to the museum of glass!! That was the highlight of the trip!! I am obsessed with glass so I was in love with the museum and demos of how to make things out of glass :)
Friday, March 18: In the morning we took off for Woodburn. We did a little shopping for work clothes (since I am now headed in the direction of school counseling). I found A LOT of really cute stuff and I can't wait to go back to expand my wardrobe :) Then we hopped back in the car and headed down to Corvallis. I LOVE THE OSU BOOKSTORE!!! I will be making some trips west to buy more OSU apparel and things haha. Shortly after we headed all the way down to Ashland. My mom loved the small town life in Ashland and she thought it was a really cute place to visit. I definitely will be back someday soon. I liked it a lot too.
Saturday, March 19: We ate breakfast at Morning Glory, which was INDESCRIBABLE!! The food was massive and amazingly delicious. I wish I could describe it better but it's just one of those places you HAVE to go to. Then we headed out and back down to San Francisco. We spent a few hours in the city walking up Lombard and chillin in the rain at Fisherman's Wharf. Then I had to go to the airport.
That was the (not so) quick descriptions of my last spring break from Skidmore. It's weird to think that the next time I have a spring break I'll be looking to go somewhere away from the west coast rather than towards it. I'll be sure to update you on my last first week back from break soon. Until then... Laters!
Thursday, March 10: Packed and anxiously awaited morning to come so that I could hop on a plane for San Francisco. I had a million and one things to do, not to mention I went and visited Cupcake H at the Condom Carnival. She was working and I just wanted to see how down hill the event has gone since frosh year. I contemplated not sleeping that night so that I could get everything done. I sent a text to Breakbeats to ask if we wanted to cancel practice. I know I did. The general consensus was, "Yes cancel because I'm already on my way home." So I went ahead and canceled practice giving me two extra hours to cross things off my To Do list. Then I hung out with Chris because he always calms me down when I'm feeling like I'm about throw myself out a window just to get away from too many obligations. I don't think I've ever had that much fun before traveling before.
Friday, March 11: Woke up and got straight to work. I had to hide the mice because I wasn't sure if anyone would be checking in on our house. That took a fair bit of creativity. Then I packed the last of my things, went to the Skidshop to get my pay check (aka money for spring break), and headed out to my car. It had been raining so the snow was finally melting into slush and it wasn't too icy. I didn't have much problem leaving but navigating the long term parking structure was interesting to say the least. I finally got into the airport and checked in and got to my gate. Before I knew it I was in SF texting Fink to pick me up. I had a smile that stretched from Hawaii to New York about the next week. Of course I also had butterflies. He picked me up and I was so happy to see him. When we got to his house he suggested we chill in the hot tub (HELLS YES). It was nice to relax and loosen up after two flights and a lay over. Not sure how long we stayed in there because I'm pretty sure I passed out a couple times. After a quick shower I crashed (really early) from jet lag.
Saturday, March 12: Woke up way too early for the west coast. Hung out and watched TV just waiting for Fink to wake up. Once he did we ate breakfast and headed into the city. I absolutely LOVE San Francisco. I couldn't help but enjoy every site and sound that surrounded me. The beautiful buildings, the gorgeous water.... EVERYTHING. It was so much fun to walk around, up and down the hills. We hung out and watch a couple of shows at Fisherman's Wharf. Best Saturday by far. Did I mention we ate at Rain Forest Cafe?? YUMMMM :D We were planning on going out that night but I kinda passed out around 8:30 when we got home from playing in the city. I woke back up around 11:30 but was still pretty tired so we decided to just go to bed.
Sunday, March 13: To be honest, I don't really remember what we did during the day. I remember going to the city for dinner and walking around for some awesome night shots. The reason I don't remember much of what we did was simply that it was starting to get awkward between us. I guess we really didn't know each other that well so we just didn't have much to talk about. We talked about movies and music but our tastes are so different that we both felt like we were explaining everything rather than relating over it. It was rather uncomfortable.
Monday, March 14: Fink had work so I spent the day by myself in the city. I walked EVERYWHERE. I went to SFMOMA and thoroughly enjoyed myself there. Then I walked around just chillin at the Westfield Shopping Center and Embarcadero Plaza. I met up with Fink after he was done with work. Then we went home and watched a couple movies. We didn't really talk much that day either.... I had an awesome time in SF but to be honest, I was kinda glad to be leaving the next day. We just didn't have a very strong friendship to spend so much time alone together.
Tuesday, March 15: My sister and mom picked me up and we headed into the city for lunch. We ended up eating at Boudin down at the pier (YUMMM). Shortly after we headed up to Redding. It was raining practically the entire time. We spent the night in Redding. This was the day of travel... just a small look into what we would be doing the rest of the week.
Wednesday, March 16: Early in the morning we left Redding to go up to Bend. We saw the campus and met my faculty. I was thrilled to hear that I was accepted from the woman who interviewed me. A little out of the ordinary to hear it rather than read it from the letter but awesome nonetheless. After we were done at OSU-Cascades we headed up to Tacoma.
Thursday, March 17: We woke up and visited UPS. Mom enjoyed seeing the campus and all the new expansions since she was last there. We toured the city and went to a bunch of different places. Then we went to the museum of glass!! That was the highlight of the trip!! I am obsessed with glass so I was in love with the museum and demos of how to make things out of glass :)
Friday, March 18: In the morning we took off for Woodburn. We did a little shopping for work clothes (since I am now headed in the direction of school counseling). I found A LOT of really cute stuff and I can't wait to go back to expand my wardrobe :) Then we hopped back in the car and headed down to Corvallis. I LOVE THE OSU BOOKSTORE!!! I will be making some trips west to buy more OSU apparel and things haha. Shortly after we headed all the way down to Ashland. My mom loved the small town life in Ashland and she thought it was a really cute place to visit. I definitely will be back someday soon. I liked it a lot too.
Saturday, March 19: We ate breakfast at Morning Glory, which was INDESCRIBABLE!! The food was massive and amazingly delicious. I wish I could describe it better but it's just one of those places you HAVE to go to. Then we headed out and back down to San Francisco. We spent a few hours in the city walking up Lombard and chillin in the rain at Fisherman's Wharf. Then I had to go to the airport.
That was the (not so) quick descriptions of my last spring break from Skidmore. It's weird to think that the next time I have a spring break I'll be looking to go somewhere away from the west coast rather than towards it. I'll be sure to update you on my last first week back from break soon. Until then... Laters!
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