Gahhhhh

I can't believe it's been three weeks since I last updated you. Life has been crazy here in Bend. Mostly good but of course I AM an emotional roller coaster so here's what's pretty much been happening.
School:
Best thing happening to me at the moment. Provides much needed stability and normalcy. If I don't want to deal with life, school is what I rely on to get me through the moment. Unfortunately summer break is approaching at full speed and I'm dreading not having school for 6 weeks. What am I going to do?! I know I sound crazy when I say this but honestly with everything that's been changing in my life, school is the only thing that's remained the same. School is the same anywhere you go: you're expected to do your work, study hard, and you'll be rewarded.
Friends:
My friends here are awesome. I love them to death and while they are mostly older than me (25-30) we still have fun going out together. Of course most of them have jobs, families/husbands, and lives that keep them busy so fitting in with them when they're talking about their mother-in-law or their kids or their co-workers, etc. is kind of difficult. Mostly I hang out with Sarah, Robbie, and Jaclyn because we're all between the ages of 21 and 23. We all have different interests but we have fun hanging out regardless.
Boys:
This is where life gets to that emotional roller coaster I've been talking about. J3 and I had been talking a lot and we've kind of come to a halt in our.... friendship/relationship. I didn't know what we were until now. He's not ready for another relationship and I wanted to get back with him so we kind of struggled with our communication. Mostly my fault for not saying what I was really feeling and letting him say here's what we're gonna do. So of course after being hurt enough I snapped and I'm not so proud to say that we're not really on great terms anymore. It sucks. It REALLY sucks. He still wants me in his life as a friend but I don't think I'm mature enough for that so I'm pretty much keeping it a shallow friendship consisting mostly of "I need nutrition advice" and "can you help me" situations. I've started to talk to other guys, mostly ex's, about why he has such control over me and all they could really say is that I'm not over him. WELL DUHHHHH I could've told you that!! Part of me still wants to wait it out and see what might happen but another part is telling me "you've been through enough it's time to pull the plug." Putting something to sleep is never easy but sometimes it's for the best. When I'm not talking to him I'm less stressed out and kind of happier but I also don't feel complete. It's like no one can make me feel as good about myself than he can.... It's weird I know. I think I need to get over him.
Probably one of the best things that came out of my struggle with J3 is the reconnection I made with Nick. Yes my ex Nick from Hawaii that is so different from me that I still don't know how we get along so well. I started texting him and he's helping me to figure myself out. Whenever I'm not feeling great or I have the urge to talk to J3, I text him and he makes everything seem perfect. Nothing to worry about, everything to smile about. I don't know what made me lose contact with him for so long.... oh wait yes I do, 6000+ miles and a whole mess of boy drama in college. Ugh well, there's no one here for me to date so there's really no drama left and now I'm only 3000+ miles away. Ergo, TEXT!!
Is it possible to use guy to get over another guy?? or I guess more so I'm asking, is it OK or healthy?? What if I don't want to get over J3?? UGHHHHH stupid Oregon and your young marriage age.... STOP MAKING ME THINK ABOUT IT!!! This is why I made it known at Skidmore that I'm never getting married. It's too much stress!! Grrrrrrr

In other news: I'm crazy. The end.

Well not really the end. I don't have much else to catch you up on but I'm sure as time goes by I'll think of more to write. Hopefully I'll be back within the week. Until then... Laters

Finish 3rd Week of Grad School... CHECK!!

Hey everyone. Sorry for being a little MIA but seriously... life has started to run away with me. Every since the crash I've found myself at the core of a world full of paperwork and responsibilities. Being grown up is no fun. I've had to be on the phone with Geico and my dad and Honda for what feels like two weeks straight. Thankfully nothing is too complicated when it's taken step by step. I think I would've shut down if my dad wasn't there for me the whole time. I'm starting to believe that I'm never going to be an independent person. There are just some people who can't make it on their own, and I think I'm one of them... It's not a bad thing, it's just not what I had hoped would be my fate. Regardless, I am thankful for everything that he has done for me. Him and Jeremy. J3 has been my shoulder to cry on ever since I met him and this time is no different. Whenever I feel overwhelmed I can text him and say that I'm fine but he always knows that there's something wrong and he'll talk to me until the tears have cleaned itself out. I hope he knows just how much I appreciate his presence. I know it's not his place anymore since we're just friends but he's still there for me no matter what. I really love that I have someone like that in my life. I think that everyone should have someone like that and I think that's what pushed me into following my path straight into grad school for counseling.

Speaking of school, I'm one class short of finishing my third week of grad school and I'm still loving it as much as when I started. Every day there's another instant feeling of pride and accomplishment. I'm not sure where it comes from but I like having it. None of that delayed gratification crap for me haha... kidding. This past weekend was the first weekend I felt like I fell behind in work because I spent it down in Ashland for the Fourth of July. Although I feel like I fell behind, I really didn't. All that happened was that I didn't read the chapter for today 3 times (just twice). Yes, because I had nothing to do last weekend I read every chapter in my books for the week multiple times. I felt like I was in a state of depression. While I was getting a lot of work done, I wasn't happy. School was the only thing getting me out of the apartment and it was all I had to look forward to. Now I have friends and love school. It's funny how much happier I get when I have a balanced life and friends who share the same beliefs as I do and encourage me to have fun while still loving school.

This week began the three part Harry Potter party. Yesterday we watched HP1 and HP2 while munching on pumpkin pastries and licorice wands and drinking pumpkin juice and butter beer. Yes it was all home made and AMAZING!! Sunday we're watching HP3, 4, and 5. Then next week Wednesday we're watching 6 and 7 part 1. Then we're going to the midnight showing after class on Thursday. We're all really excited for it and I can't wait to see what else we find to do while killing time in between classes.

Today I got all caught up with my work and found that I have more time than I thought I did. My dad bought me a dining room set (a table and four chairs) so now I never leave the living room. At least I'm getting out of my room right?? I miss having housemates and people to hang out with at home. Don't get me wrong, I love my new friends that I'm making but most of them have families that they commit most of their time to. At least in Nwoods I had that family feel too you know?? Hopefully I'll be able to get over that soon, it's a real mood killer.

I think I'll have more time to update you because I don't really have any more holidays coming up taking me out of town plus I have a lot of projects to start and finish within the next month... Only 5 weeks left of term!! Sad I won't be able to see J3 because of our busy schedules but we knew that would happen (one of the many reasons we aren't back together). I still can't believe I am where I am. It doesn't feel like I'll be completely moved in before I have to pick up and move again. You think I should bring that up in my therapy sessions?? I think so. Anyway, as I learn more, you'll learn more. Keep following!! Until then... Laters