back from break

Ok... so I haven't updated in a LONG time. Here's some of the reasons why: 1) midterms raped me; 2) spring break; 3) tears and heartache; 4) smiles and laughs; and 5) just couldn't express myself to the world yet. So let's go all the way back to Thursday March 11th when I became suddenly single again.
March 11: I woke up from a text message that notified me that Justin had messaged me via facebook at 4am. I was already exhausted from midterms since I had three, one in test form and two in paper form (both ended up being 9 pages long). I was both physically and mentally exhausted. Unfortunately this story doesn't have a happy ending just yet because I was now emotionally unstable. He had decided that we were in the relationship with really nothing to hold on to. I put up a mild fight but after separating myself from the situation and mediating myself I learned that he was right. I needed to let go. It was time to start climbing back up to the surface (those of you who know my analogy of "love" will understand that last statement). I continued throughout the day with a mask hiding my broken heart. This very same day I was hit on by 4 guys... SERIOUSLY?! is there some kind of code that guys get via text the minute someone is single so that they can jump on that?? Maybe it was because I dressed up to make me appear stronger and more confident than I was really feeling. I'm not sure. All I know is that I had a great Thursday evening with Breakbeats breaking walls :) I love you guys, you make me smile in my darkest times.
March 12: FREEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! I turned in my last exam and rode a horse. Then I cleaned my room and packed for Spring Break :) Little did I know, this spring break would be the spring break that would heal me in the shortest amount of time possible. I met new friends, felt love from a family, and reconnected with Jeremy. I spent all of Friday evening relaxing and just getting myself prepared for the 5 hour drive to Pennsylvania.
March 13: I couldn't sleep in past 8. I woke up so excited for my first solo long distance drive to Swigman's house. I left early, grabbed some breakfast and lunch on the road and just used the time to get my head cleared. When I arrived at the Wigman's house I was greeted with friendly welcoming faces. I knew in an instant that I would love them like they were my own family.
March 14-20: The days weren't particularly planned. We used some of them to do work and others to get some retail therapy in. I bought some cute dresses and spring outfits for great prices. We baked brownies and ate a ton of great food. We went to see a show called Respect. It was about womens' lives through popular songs by women. It was basically an amazing show. I had my very first water ice from Rita's. For those of you who don't know what it is, it's basically a slushy or slush puppy but not quite so watery and eaten with a spoon rather than drunken from a straw. I had chocolate fudge :) of course.
March 21: I left early Sunday morning and got back to campus. I did some Walmart shopping and then just hung out in my room the rest of the night. I texted Jeremy pretty much all night.
Today: I woke up ready to start the day. I realized that I hadn't stretched at all during the break so basically I was in for a fun Jazz class haha. I was so excited to be dancing again. I really needed to do some physical activity. I rather enjoyed dance and Anthro this morning but then I went to Stats and wanted to kill myself. It was SO boring and our prof isn't very good. He's so scatter brained that it's just ridiculous. He gave us back out midterms and I got an 80 on the second part which means overall I got an 82 :( I'm not too happy with that score because I could have gotten a 95 had I not messed up the one problem with the frequencies and percentages.... GRRRRRRR. I'm expecting to get my Anthro and Theory papers back within the next week or so. Can't wait.... PSYCH! Theory class today was pretty interesting. I contributed positively to the discussion and I'm pretty excited because usually I'm completely lost the entire time. Thursday I have a paper due on a stance for Education. I'm not entirely sure what the guidelines are yet so I haven't started :/ It has to be 3-4 pages...... wait for it...... SINGLE SPACED!!!! and emailed... not handed in hard copy. A little against the norm but what ever. So as soon as I figure out what to write about I'll be doing that for the next few nights. I'll probably update you next week after my mediation training this weekend. Another 15 hours of class added onto Saturday and Sunday. So excited :) anyways... until next time, Laters!

what did i do wrong?

Is it wrong to want a guy who wants ME and not for me to make my dreams come true? Why is it that I ALWAYS choose the guys who don't want to stand in the way of me reaching my goals in life? You know that saying nice guys finish last? Well I date those nice guys and it ends up kicking me when I'm down. I've reached enough goals to get me to where I am now. I'm over the whole goal achieving thing. If I continued to make goals to go after, it would take until I'm dead to accomplish all of them. I've also failed at a lot of goals to know that I won't die if I sacrifice a few to get something else out of it, like a lasting relationship. Everyone keeps telling me that I have my whole life ahead of me. I don't want to live for the future any more. I could walk out my room, get hit by a Frisbee, get a concussion and die at any moment of any day while I'm 20. In that case, no, I don't have my whole life ahead of me. And you know what? I wouldn't even be able to say that I accomplished a whole lot because I was too busy preparing for the future. I got a lot of preparation done but nothing finished. My mom keeps telling me to take it day by day, one step at a time. Well that's what I'm trying to do but America has become WAY too future oriented that it's hard not to look 30 years into the future. I feel like I need to know where I'm going to live, where I'm going to work, what type of shoes I'm going to be wearing in order for me to live now. You wanna know why I'm rushing through life? Because I know that at any moment, it could all cease to exist. What if DCP decides to stop running in 2012 when I decide I want to apply. That's an opportunity I missed out on. What if I apply for a job but they say "Oh you know what? We haven't had any positions open up since last year. Had you applied last year you could've had the job." That's another opportunity I missed out on. Time has become such a pressing issue in my life that apparently dating has become a waste of time. Am I incapable of love? Every time someone tells me they love me I cry. I freak out because I don't know what to say. I have the hardest time telling family that I love them let alone friends and significant others. And just when I let my guard down to start to acknowledge that I might be feeling something strong and new I get my heart broken. This feeling of pain is nothing new to me. I've been hurt and to be honest I don't think I've ever recovered from it. It gets mildly masked for a little while but it never really heals. I keep telling people that I don't know what it feels like to be in love because every time I get close, I feel pain. If this is what love feels like I don't want to be in love. EVER. I never should've given up my boy fast. The reason I set that rule was to prevent me from feeling like this.

I don't think I can get through the next two months, miserable at Skidmore, without you in my life. I wanted to leave school and come home but now if I leave Skidmore I don't know where I would go. This is like choosing between prison or the streets. Skidmore is my prison where I get food and shelter but rarely any freedom. Out on the streets I'll be in danger 24/7 and I won't feel a sense of being, but at least I'll be out of somewhere that makes me miserable. When I loved it here, I hated home. Now I hate it here but can't love home. Where do I go? What do I do?

There's no fulfillment in accomplishing goals if you're alone. I could have 5 PhD's by the time I'm 30 because that was my goal. But it wouldn't mean a thing to me if I was alone and had no one to share it with. When does the living for myself end and living for someone else begin? Please tell me because I'm tired of being broken. I'm starting to feel like I'm destined to end up alone. Laters.

long over due update

Hey everyone. Sorry I haven't updated you in a while... I believe it's been 10 days?? Well let's start from the beginning. I got my paper back on the 3rd. This is the one for Theory... the one that I stressed over and got sick from because I forgot to eat and didn't sleep and spent literally 20-24 hours on it. Well let's just say I did worse than average. So I had a nice long cry over it and became really frustrated that I was being told not to worry about it. Something that I learned this weekend is that sometimes it's NOT helpful to calm someone down when they're upset. Sometimes you HAVE to let them get it all out in a tantrum like manner. So I cried and yelled and threatened a lot of people to stop being my friend because they weren't helping. If you're reading this, SORRY GUYS!! Then I sat down and worked on my second paper for Theory. It's due on Wednesday and I've already finished a good portion of it so I've finally calmed down about it. I've been stressing about it since I got the assignment.

Then on Friday the 5th I went to riding. I was stressed, angry, frustrated, and tense. The horses obviously felt that from me so they reflected it right back to me. I looked awful and felt tired. I was exhausted by the end of the first lesson and I had practice immediately after. When I was tacking up the horse I was riding stepped on my foot! Now it's all bruised and I couldn't even dance today :( I almost cried because it was so depressing having to just watch my class.

Then Saturday and Sunday came along and can I just say that my 10am-6pm mediation training was the greatest experience of my life? I absolutely loved it and was amazed that I learned so much in such a short amount of time. My instincts changed and I learned to listen and reflect. I learned so much about conflict and how to resolve it without becoming biased. I have to keep practicing of course but I still feel a MAJOR sense of accomplishment. I find myself doing some of the practices even without thinking about it. I'm looking for some conflicts to practice mediating if anyone has any problems let me know ;) I managed to help a friend who wanted to quit his sport. We talked for an hour. He was incredibly upset and was a bit of a mess but by the end of the hour he was smiling and talking about moving on and we came up with a solution that helped him get over his anger. It was nice to know that I could really use my training right away. I've become a really good listener and love that I learned about myself by listening to other people. After my training I managed to get some work done. I finished a couple drafts of my Theory paper and managed to study for my stats midterm.

Today was my stats midterm and I F*CKED IT UP!!!!!!! I completely overlooked the fact that one of the tables was a percentage table and not a frequency table so I answered all of the questions after it as if all the percentages were frequency values. I can't believe that I messed that up and that's probably like 10 points off so now the highest grade I can get is a 90. FML! I'm finally breathing now that the in-class midterm is out of the way. My paper is well on it's way to being done and I have one more take home midterm due Friday. That's gonna be a pain to work on because it's very very very specific and I have to go back into the text to find the information. Hopefully I can get through it. On the plus side, it's all very concrete so once I find the answer I'll know it's the answer.

So back to my point on the title line: long over due update. This is basically the first time all week that I've been able to find time to update you all. Spring break is next week so I'll DEFINITELY be updating you on all my adventures in Philly with SWIGMAN!!!!!!! I'm driving there so It'll be my first solo long distance drive. So wish me luck! Until then.... Laters!