what did i do wrong?

Is it wrong to want a guy who wants ME and not for me to make my dreams come true? Why is it that I ALWAYS choose the guys who don't want to stand in the way of me reaching my goals in life? You know that saying nice guys finish last? Well I date those nice guys and it ends up kicking me when I'm down. I've reached enough goals to get me to where I am now. I'm over the whole goal achieving thing. If I continued to make goals to go after, it would take until I'm dead to accomplish all of them. I've also failed at a lot of goals to know that I won't die if I sacrifice a few to get something else out of it, like a lasting relationship. Everyone keeps telling me that I have my whole life ahead of me. I don't want to live for the future any more. I could walk out my room, get hit by a Frisbee, get a concussion and die at any moment of any day while I'm 20. In that case, no, I don't have my whole life ahead of me. And you know what? I wouldn't even be able to say that I accomplished a whole lot because I was too busy preparing for the future. I got a lot of preparation done but nothing finished. My mom keeps telling me to take it day by day, one step at a time. Well that's what I'm trying to do but America has become WAY too future oriented that it's hard not to look 30 years into the future. I feel like I need to know where I'm going to live, where I'm going to work, what type of shoes I'm going to be wearing in order for me to live now. You wanna know why I'm rushing through life? Because I know that at any moment, it could all cease to exist. What if DCP decides to stop running in 2012 when I decide I want to apply. That's an opportunity I missed out on. What if I apply for a job but they say "Oh you know what? We haven't had any positions open up since last year. Had you applied last year you could've had the job." That's another opportunity I missed out on. Time has become such a pressing issue in my life that apparently dating has become a waste of time. Am I incapable of love? Every time someone tells me they love me I cry. I freak out because I don't know what to say. I have the hardest time telling family that I love them let alone friends and significant others. And just when I let my guard down to start to acknowledge that I might be feeling something strong and new I get my heart broken. This feeling of pain is nothing new to me. I've been hurt and to be honest I don't think I've ever recovered from it. It gets mildly masked for a little while but it never really heals. I keep telling people that I don't know what it feels like to be in love because every time I get close, I feel pain. If this is what love feels like I don't want to be in love. EVER. I never should've given up my boy fast. The reason I set that rule was to prevent me from feeling like this.

I don't think I can get through the next two months, miserable at Skidmore, without you in my life. I wanted to leave school and come home but now if I leave Skidmore I don't know where I would go. This is like choosing between prison or the streets. Skidmore is my prison where I get food and shelter but rarely any freedom. Out on the streets I'll be in danger 24/7 and I won't feel a sense of being, but at least I'll be out of somewhere that makes me miserable. When I loved it here, I hated home. Now I hate it here but can't love home. Where do I go? What do I do?

There's no fulfillment in accomplishing goals if you're alone. I could have 5 PhD's by the time I'm 30 because that was my goal. But it wouldn't mean a thing to me if I was alone and had no one to share it with. When does the living for myself end and living for someone else begin? Please tell me because I'm tired of being broken. I'm starting to feel like I'm destined to end up alone. Laters.