So here's an incredibly late update....
June 11: My family gets up to San Diego. My cousins, Uncle Grant, Auntie Sandy (who is Uncle Grant's sister), and Grandma all stay in the Marriott that has TWO floors. My parents stay with Rendi and I at Rendi's place.
June 12: We wake up at 7am to get ready to go meet the rest of the family at the hotel. We get to the hotel at around 8 and then all head out to the San Diego Zoo. We stay there from opening until about 4 or 5. Then we went shopping. I was EXHAUSTED by the end of the day. Jeremy called me on this day :) but I was too tired to really talk. Plus I had NO privacy with my parents in one room and my sister in the other.
June 13: RENDI GRADUATED!!!!! We spent all afternoon in the sun. Then we took family pictures. When I say family pictures I mean pictureSSSSSS. We had about ten different groupings such as kids, grandkids, those who chose, families, etc. And we took multiple pictures of each group.... serious, funny, funnier, etc. Then we went to dinner at a ridiculously high class restaurant and had a BLAST!!!!!
June 14: Another early day going to the San Diego Wild Life Park. I saw my CHEETAHSSSSSS :D I loved it more than I thought I would but I was so grouchy afterwards. I was so F'n tired!!!!! It was hot and I was getting sun burnt. I think we went shopping after that but I don't really remember.
June 15: We head up to LA to go to DISNEYLAND!!!! Then we go to Ontario Mills and eat at Rainforest Cafe. OMG I almost had the same waitress as when I was there for my birthday!!!!! I said hi to her and she was like "omg you look totally familiar!!!" And then she started re-enacting all the highlights from that night :) She wants Jeremy and I to go back and request for her haha. Then we headed back to the Disneyland Hotel before going out to Disneyland that night.
June 16: All day at Disneyland :D Saw FANTASMIC!!!!!!
June 17: Breakfast at Goofy's Kitchen :D :D best breakfast EVERRRRRRRR!!! Then California Adventure Park. Then we saw fireworks!!
June 18: California Adventure Park again.... SAW WORLD OF COLOR!!!!! Sooooo good!!!!!!!!
June 19: Family goes off to the airport. I go back to SD with Rendi. I head off the airport.... end of family trip :(
June 20: I'm back in Toga and running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to settle in. I managed to unpack and take inventory of everything I needed, i.e. pots, pans, dishes, etc.
June 21: GROCERY SHOPPING!!!!!! I was hungry when I left the apartment so I bought a lot of foods that I hope I still have a craving for tomorrow haha. That's pretty much it for now... The apartment is good but not quite home. I think I'm giving blood tomorrow. I'm definitely getting braces on Wednesday and a week from Wednesday is when JEREMY COMES TO VISIT!!!!!!!!!! I'm soooooooooooo excited and I can't wait to see him. I thought we would have to wait until September to see each other again but NOPE!!!!! I get to see him in a little over a week :D :D :D :D OMG I'M SO EXCITED !!!!!!!!!!! I'll definitely update you before he comes but I'm beat now so I'm gonna head off to bed... Until then... Laters!
Monday, June 21, 2010
Sunday, June 6, 2010
I'm officially the worst gf EVER
I made my boyfriend worry about me. I don't mean worry because I'm sick, or because I'm depressed. I mean worry that he can't trust me. He's gone through a lot with his ex-gf. She was terrible to him, put him through hell and back, and I knew that from the beginning. I worked extremely hard to make sure that he knew he could trust me. I trusted myself not to become her. All it took was one freak out sesh and it all went down hill from there. Here's the basic story from my point... it might be a little different from his side because he just got the texts from me.
I woke up multiple times from horrible dreams. I was exhausted and in a lot of pain. My arms felt like jelly, my back was screaming, and my heart felt like someone had put cage around it and there were spikes getting closer and closer to it with every second. He texted me "fml... just going to bed... still thinking of u... always thinking of u... sleep well my angle" at like 4am. Then at 9 he sent "*angel :) good morning babe, how'd u sleep?" I woke up to that text and flipped sh*t. I was irritated and angry and I didn't know why. I responded, "Terrible. this text woke me up from yet another bad dream. I had 4 last night and woke up 4 times. I give up on sleeping already." His response made me angrier: "o hun, I'm sorry :(" I don't know why I was so angry. All I knew was that I was. I didn't want to take it out on him so I said I wouldn't be responding much to his texts because I was grouchy (understatement of the century). I was so upset I was contemplating ripping my skin off my arm out of frustration.... just for entertainment. Luckily I didn't. I studied for GRE's instead. I didn't get out of bed until 11 and then went back to bed at 12 and then moved to the couch around 2. I watched TV and read a little and EVERYTHING I did had a cheating theme. So I freaked. I was already at a high emotional state. I started seeing myself turning into his ex-gf. I couldn't believe myself. How can I expect him to trust me if I couldn't even trust myself?! So as I'm freaking out I'm sending him beyond moronic texts. He's sending me texts like "babe I love u" and "u ok?" and "I wish I could be there to cook u dinner..." Everything I need to feel better. But no, I have to go and be stupid by telling him about the whole not being able to trust myself issue. How much more stupid can I get?! Then I realize I'm a few days away from my period which is why I'm all hormonal. But I didn't tell him that. I just said that I figured out why I'm being crazy and the crazy should go away in a couple of days and I hope he still loves me in a couple days.... now that I read that out of context... It sounds like I cheated on him and the other guy will be gone in a couple days and I hope he can forgive me for that. HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO STUPID?!?!?!?! He didn't know I was PMSing.... how could he?? I had just had my period last month when I was with him. Of course he wouldn't think about that as a possibility... *SLAP ACROSS THE FACE*
Here's where it gets even worse. When I'm in pain I try to distract myself from the cause of the pain. Missing him is what's causing me pain. So I tried to get him out of my head but I couldn't. He's the soul focus of all my energy and free time. But I didn't explain that to him. I just said I can't get you out of my head. He asked " are u trying to..." FML I just dug my grave and laid down in it still alive. So I try to explain it to him but there was a lot of missing details that I realized I hadn't told him. His response (100% appropriate) was "idk how to take this..." I basically let him watch me push someone off the edge of a cliff and then told him to stand at the edge of the same cliff expecting him to trust that I wouldn't push him off too. He's not an idiot. Idk how I could've been so incredibly stupid. I didn't want him to be mad at me so I continued to text him trying to explain the situation and why everything was so messed up. But then he responded that he wasn't mad, he was afraid of me. I'm not gonna lie, at this point I was afraid of myself too. I didn't know who I had become. I didn't recognize myself. I have never told a bf I loved him and felt it the way I feel it for him. I had never missed someone so bad it hurt. I had never ever in my life doubted myself and my judgment to question whether I would cheat on him. I've always felt secure about my relationships. I've never been the lovey dovey mushy gf who constantly said I love you, I miss you. I never let myself get attached like that. I haven't ever depended on someone else for my happiness the way I depend on him. I was scared of who I had become. I knew that the more I fell for him, the harder it would be for me to feel comfortable with the new emotions I was feeling. He didn't know this. He didn't understand why I was fighting it.
I listened to my heart. It told me I was ready. The only way I was going to be able to get used to it was by dealing with it. Yes, it was scary. Yes, I was unsure of how I felt about it. No, I'm not running anymore. I'm facing this fear head on with him by my side. I'm tired of hiding from myself. I don't know who I am anymore because I refused in the past to know who I could become. I love him. Why do I feel the need to hide from that? I'm scared. But isn't that half the fun of an adventure? The uncertainty, the risks, the challenge... He is the greatest adventure I have set off on and I don't expect it to end any time soon. This is the adventure I have been looking for since I had my first crush. I've been in an out of so many relationships looking for someone who would give me this thrill, this fear, this love.
If you're reading this, J3, I want you to know... I know I scared you last night. Hell, I scared myself. But now, I've never been more sure of myself. I hope you can find it in your heart to trust me again. I'm not cheating on you. I will never cheat on you. I'm not going anywhere without you. I'm not fighting these feelings anymore. My name had never sounded so foreign until you said it last night. It was like we were strangers again. Each time you said it, I hurt. I felt like I let you down. I felt like I lied to you. I felt like you were ready to walk away with every stupid thing I was saying. I want to prove to you that I'm here to stay. I want to prove to you that I'm not Her. I want you to love me forever. I want to love you forever. It's you and me, baby. Forever.
Until then... Laters.
I woke up multiple times from horrible dreams. I was exhausted and in a lot of pain. My arms felt like jelly, my back was screaming, and my heart felt like someone had put cage around it and there were spikes getting closer and closer to it with every second. He texted me "fml... just going to bed... still thinking of u... always thinking of u... sleep well my angle" at like 4am. Then at 9 he sent "*angel :) good morning babe, how'd u sleep?" I woke up to that text and flipped sh*t. I was irritated and angry and I didn't know why. I responded, "Terrible. this text woke me up from yet another bad dream. I had 4 last night and woke up 4 times. I give up on sleeping already." His response made me angrier: "o hun, I'm sorry :(" I don't know why I was so angry. All I knew was that I was. I didn't want to take it out on him so I said I wouldn't be responding much to his texts because I was grouchy (understatement of the century). I was so upset I was contemplating ripping my skin off my arm out of frustration.... just for entertainment. Luckily I didn't. I studied for GRE's instead. I didn't get out of bed until 11 and then went back to bed at 12 and then moved to the couch around 2. I watched TV and read a little and EVERYTHING I did had a cheating theme. So I freaked. I was already at a high emotional state. I started seeing myself turning into his ex-gf. I couldn't believe myself. How can I expect him to trust me if I couldn't even trust myself?! So as I'm freaking out I'm sending him beyond moronic texts. He's sending me texts like "babe I love u" and "u ok?" and "I wish I could be there to cook u dinner..." Everything I need to feel better. But no, I have to go and be stupid by telling him about the whole not being able to trust myself issue. How much more stupid can I get?! Then I realize I'm a few days away from my period which is why I'm all hormonal. But I didn't tell him that. I just said that I figured out why I'm being crazy and the crazy should go away in a couple of days and I hope he still loves me in a couple days.... now that I read that out of context... It sounds like I cheated on him and the other guy will be gone in a couple days and I hope he can forgive me for that. HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO STUPID?!?!?!?! He didn't know I was PMSing.... how could he?? I had just had my period last month when I was with him. Of course he wouldn't think about that as a possibility... *SLAP ACROSS THE FACE*
Here's where it gets even worse. When I'm in pain I try to distract myself from the cause of the pain. Missing him is what's causing me pain. So I tried to get him out of my head but I couldn't. He's the soul focus of all my energy and free time. But I didn't explain that to him. I just said I can't get you out of my head. He asked " are u trying to..." FML I just dug my grave and laid down in it still alive. So I try to explain it to him but there was a lot of missing details that I realized I hadn't told him. His response (100% appropriate) was "idk how to take this..." I basically let him watch me push someone off the edge of a cliff and then told him to stand at the edge of the same cliff expecting him to trust that I wouldn't push him off too. He's not an idiot. Idk how I could've been so incredibly stupid. I didn't want him to be mad at me so I continued to text him trying to explain the situation and why everything was so messed up. But then he responded that he wasn't mad, he was afraid of me. I'm not gonna lie, at this point I was afraid of myself too. I didn't know who I had become. I didn't recognize myself. I have never told a bf I loved him and felt it the way I feel it for him. I had never missed someone so bad it hurt. I had never ever in my life doubted myself and my judgment to question whether I would cheat on him. I've always felt secure about my relationships. I've never been the lovey dovey mushy gf who constantly said I love you, I miss you. I never let myself get attached like that. I haven't ever depended on someone else for my happiness the way I depend on him. I was scared of who I had become. I knew that the more I fell for him, the harder it would be for me to feel comfortable with the new emotions I was feeling. He didn't know this. He didn't understand why I was fighting it.
I listened to my heart. It told me I was ready. The only way I was going to be able to get used to it was by dealing with it. Yes, it was scary. Yes, I was unsure of how I felt about it. No, I'm not running anymore. I'm facing this fear head on with him by my side. I'm tired of hiding from myself. I don't know who I am anymore because I refused in the past to know who I could become. I love him. Why do I feel the need to hide from that? I'm scared. But isn't that half the fun of an adventure? The uncertainty, the risks, the challenge... He is the greatest adventure I have set off on and I don't expect it to end any time soon. This is the adventure I have been looking for since I had my first crush. I've been in an out of so many relationships looking for someone who would give me this thrill, this fear, this love.
If you're reading this, J3, I want you to know... I know I scared you last night. Hell, I scared myself. But now, I've never been more sure of myself. I hope you can find it in your heart to trust me again. I'm not cheating on you. I will never cheat on you. I'm not going anywhere without you. I'm not fighting these feelings anymore. My name had never sounded so foreign until you said it last night. It was like we were strangers again. Each time you said it, I hurt. I felt like I let you down. I felt like I lied to you. I felt like you were ready to walk away with every stupid thing I was saying. I want to prove to you that I'm here to stay. I want to prove to you that I'm not Her. I want you to love me forever. I want to love you forever. It's you and me, baby. Forever.
Until then... Laters.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Am I the ONLY one?!
I feel so incredibly alone right now. I think I'm the only one who worries about this crap as much as I do. I got my grades for Spring 2010...
Social Stats (4 credits):B+
Social Theory (4 credits):B+
Intro to Anthro (4 credits): A-
Intro to Teaching (3 credits): A-
Jazz Theater (2 credits): A
Riding (1 credit): A
I was literally percentage points away from an A- in both the Stats and Theory classes. I'm pretty sure I had an 89 and 88 respectfully.... FML!!!!! I was so close to my goal/new years resolution. This sucks!!! Now I'm stuck with a 3.5 semester GPA and a 3.3 CGPA. THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!!!! That's a freakin B+ average!!! I should have an A- average!!!!!!!!!! UGHHHHHHH.... I calculated my potential GPA for graduation and realized that the highest GPA I can get with a perfect report card would be a 3.46.... aka FORGET IT!! I'm stuck at a 3.3 forever. It's official. There's no hope for me. I will never be the grade getter that I thought I would be as a freshman in high school. I was 0.03 away from graduating with honors in high school and now I'm a good 0.4 away. It just keeps getting further and further away. I am living proof of the whole as you get older your brain is the first to go thing. I'm hopeless!
Moving on: I bought GRE study aids today. I'll be working on improving my vocab from now until October. Not to mention remembering how to do basic math and logic things. Man it's been a while. I'm really nervous about this. I really want to get better grades and do well on the GRE's so that I can be accepted to UPS for the M.Ed. in Counseling program. If I don't get in, I have NO CLUE what I'm going to do. I know I wanna head that direction geographically because that's where J3 will be and I can't stand to be apart from him for more than the time we're already going to be. I mean really, there's all of this year (SENIOR YEAR BABY!!) and then 6-8 months after that for the Disney College Program.... damn that's a long time :/ I really wish there was a way for me to do everything all at once. I just wanna know where I'm going to end up 5 years from now. I hate not knowing. What's even worse is I hate preparing for something that I don't know if it's even possible for me to go that route. It's like eating your vegetables when you don't know if dessert is an option. Yes I did just compare preparation for the future to vegetables and the outcome to be dessert.... I still have issues with vegetables but hey that's what I have J3 for :) He makes sure I eat my vegetables.... as well as eat multiple meals a day :P
But back to my subject question... AM I THE ONLY ONE?! Am I just putting too much emphasis on this whole process? Am I making my life a lot more stressful than it needs to be? Am I the only one who gets this antsy about not knowing? If anyone has any advice for how to chill out about this I would LOVE to hear it. I look forward to hearing from you... and I'll keep you updated about everything else that goes on in my ever-thinking brain. It's funny how when I was with J3 I would NEVER be this unsure or antsy about what would happen in the future. I felt so much more sure about us and about life. But now that I have more time alone I realize that I think and freak out about the future a lot more than I want to. Any thoughts?? Until then... Laters
Social Stats (4 credits):B+
Social Theory (4 credits):B+
Intro to Anthro (4 credits): A-
Intro to Teaching (3 credits): A-
Jazz Theater (2 credits): A
Riding (1 credit): A
I was literally percentage points away from an A- in both the Stats and Theory classes. I'm pretty sure I had an 89 and 88 respectfully.... FML!!!!! I was so close to my goal/new years resolution. This sucks!!! Now I'm stuck with a 3.5 semester GPA and a 3.3 CGPA. THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!!!! That's a freakin B+ average!!! I should have an A- average!!!!!!!!!! UGHHHHHHH.... I calculated my potential GPA for graduation and realized that the highest GPA I can get with a perfect report card would be a 3.46.... aka FORGET IT!! I'm stuck at a 3.3 forever. It's official. There's no hope for me. I will never be the grade getter that I thought I would be as a freshman in high school. I was 0.03 away from graduating with honors in high school and now I'm a good 0.4 away. It just keeps getting further and further away. I am living proof of the whole as you get older your brain is the first to go thing. I'm hopeless!
Moving on: I bought GRE study aids today. I'll be working on improving my vocab from now until October. Not to mention remembering how to do basic math and logic things. Man it's been a while. I'm really nervous about this. I really want to get better grades and do well on the GRE's so that I can be accepted to UPS for the M.Ed. in Counseling program. If I don't get in, I have NO CLUE what I'm going to do. I know I wanna head that direction geographically because that's where J3 will be and I can't stand to be apart from him for more than the time we're already going to be. I mean really, there's all of this year (SENIOR YEAR BABY!!) and then 6-8 months after that for the Disney College Program.... damn that's a long time :/ I really wish there was a way for me to do everything all at once. I just wanna know where I'm going to end up 5 years from now. I hate not knowing. What's even worse is I hate preparing for something that I don't know if it's even possible for me to go that route. It's like eating your vegetables when you don't know if dessert is an option. Yes I did just compare preparation for the future to vegetables and the outcome to be dessert.... I still have issues with vegetables but hey that's what I have J3 for :) He makes sure I eat my vegetables.... as well as eat multiple meals a day :P
But back to my subject question... AM I THE ONLY ONE?! Am I just putting too much emphasis on this whole process? Am I making my life a lot more stressful than it needs to be? Am I the only one who gets this antsy about not knowing? If anyone has any advice for how to chill out about this I would LOVE to hear it. I look forward to hearing from you... and I'll keep you updated about everything else that goes on in my ever-thinking brain. It's funny how when I was with J3 I would NEVER be this unsure or antsy about what would happen in the future. I felt so much more sure about us and about life. But now that I have more time alone I realize that I think and freak out about the future a lot more than I want to. Any thoughts?? Until then... Laters
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