I'm officially the worst gf EVER

I made my boyfriend worry about me. I don't mean worry because I'm sick, or because I'm depressed. I mean worry that he can't trust me. He's gone through a lot with his ex-gf. She was terrible to him, put him through hell and back, and I knew that from the beginning. I worked extremely hard to make sure that he knew he could trust me. I trusted myself not to become her. All it took was one freak out sesh and it all went down hill from there. Here's the basic story from my point... it might be a little different from his side because he just got the texts from me.

I woke up multiple times from horrible dreams. I was exhausted and in a lot of pain. My arms felt like jelly, my back was screaming, and my heart felt like someone had put cage around it and there were spikes getting closer and closer to it with every second. He texted me "fml... just going to bed... still thinking of u... always thinking of u... sleep well my angle" at like 4am. Then at 9 he sent "*angel :) good morning babe, how'd u sleep?" I woke up to that text and flipped sh*t. I was irritated and angry and I didn't know why. I responded, "Terrible. this text woke me up from yet another bad dream. I had 4 last night and woke up 4 times. I give up on sleeping already." His response made me angrier: "o hun, I'm sorry :(" I don't know why I was so angry. All I knew was that I was. I didn't want to take it out on him so I said I wouldn't be responding much to his texts because I was grouchy (understatement of the century). I was so upset I was contemplating ripping my skin off my arm out of frustration.... just for entertainment. Luckily I didn't. I studied for GRE's instead. I didn't get out of bed until 11 and then went back to bed at 12 and then moved to the couch around 2. I watched TV and read a little and EVERYTHING I did had a cheating theme. So I freaked. I was already at a high emotional state. I started seeing myself turning into his ex-gf. I couldn't believe myself. How can I expect him to trust me if I couldn't even trust myself?! So as I'm freaking out I'm sending him beyond moronic texts. He's sending me texts like "babe I love u" and "u ok?" and "I wish I could be there to cook u dinner..." Everything I need to feel better. But no, I have to go and be stupid by telling him about the whole not being able to trust myself issue. How much more stupid can I get?! Then I realize I'm a few days away from my period which is why I'm all hormonal. But I didn't tell him that. I just said that I figured out why I'm being crazy and the crazy should go away in a couple of days and I hope he still loves me in a couple days.... now that I read that out of context... It sounds like I cheated on him and the other guy will be gone in a couple days and I hope he can forgive me for that. HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO STUPID?!?!?!?! He didn't know I was PMSing.... how could he?? I had just had my period last month when I was with him. Of course he wouldn't think about that as a possibility... *SLAP ACROSS THE FACE*

Here's where it gets even worse. When I'm in pain I try to distract myself from the cause of the pain. Missing him is what's causing me pain. So I tried to get him out of my head but I couldn't. He's the soul focus of all my energy and free time. But I didn't explain that to him. I just said I can't get you out of my head. He asked " are u trying to..." FML I just dug my grave and laid down in it still alive. So I try to explain it to him but there was a lot of missing details that I realized I hadn't told him. His response (100% appropriate) was "idk how to take this..." I basically let him watch me push someone off the edge of a cliff and then told him to stand at the edge of the same cliff expecting him to trust that I wouldn't push him off too. He's not an idiot. Idk how I could've been so incredibly stupid. I didn't want him to be mad at me so I continued to text him trying to explain the situation and why everything was so messed up. But then he responded that he wasn't mad, he was afraid of me. I'm not gonna lie, at this point I was afraid of myself too. I didn't know who I had become. I didn't recognize myself. I have never told a bf I loved him and felt it the way I feel it for him. I had never missed someone so bad it hurt. I had never ever in my life doubted myself and my judgment to question whether I would cheat on him. I've always felt secure about my relationships. I've never been the lovey dovey mushy gf who constantly said I love you, I miss you. I never let myself get attached like that. I haven't ever depended on someone else for my happiness the way I depend on him. I was scared of who I had become. I knew that the more I fell for him, the harder it would be for me to feel comfortable with the new emotions I was feeling. He didn't know this. He didn't understand why I was fighting it.

I listened to my heart. It told me I was ready. The only way I was going to be able to get used to it was by dealing with it. Yes, it was scary. Yes, I was unsure of how I felt about it. No, I'm not running anymore. I'm facing this fear head on with him by my side. I'm tired of hiding from myself. I don't know who I am anymore because I refused in the past to know who I could become. I love him. Why do I feel the need to hide from that? I'm scared. But isn't that half the fun of an adventure? The uncertainty, the risks, the challenge... He is the greatest adventure I have set off on and I don't expect it to end any time soon. This is the adventure I have been looking for since I had my first crush. I've been in an out of so many relationships looking for someone who would give me this thrill, this fear, this love.

If you're reading this, J3, I want you to know... I know I scared you last night. Hell, I scared myself. But now, I've never been more sure of myself. I hope you can find it in your heart to trust me again. I'm not cheating on you. I will never cheat on you. I'm not going anywhere without you. I'm not fighting these feelings anymore. My name had never sounded so foreign until you said it last night. It was like we were strangers again. Each time you said it, I hurt. I felt like I let you down. I felt like I lied to you. I felt like you were ready to walk away with every stupid thing I was saying. I want to prove to you that I'm here to stay. I want to prove to you that I'm not Her. I want you to love me forever. I want to love you forever. It's you and me, baby. Forever.

Until then... Laters.