I can't sleep

Not when I have something this good on my mind. I just had a conversation with Jeremy and it was a deep one at that. Here's what I learned:
I've always thought of my relationships as matches lighting a candle. Each guy gives me a match to light my candle. When I flirt, I'm striking a match. But you all who have played with matches knows that matches burn fast and you have to light what ever it is you're trying to light fast before the match burns out. Well that's always been the case. Sometimes I get into a relationship (aka light the candle) fast or the match (aka flirting) dies out and the candle never gets lit. Each guy only gets to give me one match to attempt to light the candle. Once the candle gets blown out by either of us, it's out. You can't relight a candle with a used match. Well, Jeremy was never really a player by the rules. He didn't hand me a match when we met, he gave me a lighter. I lit it and let it burn for a while infatuated with the idea that I didn't have to rush to get it to the candle. I could let it burn a lot longer than I could a match. So I did. I let it burn before I decided to release the trigger and let the flame go out. I hadn't realized it at the time but I used that same lighter to light the candle that now glows so brightly in my heart. This element of fire has used spirit to survive all the other elements that have been thrown at it. First was water from all the tears we cried together. Then was wind from the harsh words we said to each other that we didn't mean. Lastly was earth that grounded us so far from one another that we thought that the candle had gone out completely. I gave it time to find its strength and now I've learned even more. I'm not afraid to let the candle go out because I know that I'll always have the lighter to relight it.

I've always seen relationships as the element of fire because without anything to burn, it can easily be blown out. At the same time, given too much freedom it will ruin everything it touches. But given the right amount of fuel it can provide needed light and warmth to those who possess it. My candle has dimmed and brightened tonight. In the past it has gone out and been relit by Jeremy. Whether it flickers constantly or continues to be relit by the same lighter, I know it at least has the option to be relit. And that has never made me feel so confident in my entire life about a relationship or about me in general.

Thanks to the House of Night novels (yes I finished Burned in less than two days):
There is no such thing as destiny or meant-to-be. The choices we make today will change what will happen tomorrow. The future of my candle is as fluid as the water that puts it out, as delicate as the flame that dances on it when the wind blows through it, and as protected as it can be with the spirit and earth surrounding it. But regardless of what I choose, there will always be a balance of good and bad. It just depends on which I choose to see as the main consequence of my choice. Will the relighting of my candle be good because it's relit; or will it be bad because it cannot be lit by a new flame? Either way, I chose to relight it, and that has changed my future :)

I'll figure it out when I decide to understand it. Until then... Laters!