Gahhhhh

I can't believe it's been three weeks since I last updated you. Life has been crazy here in Bend. Mostly good but of course I AM an emotional roller coaster so here's what's pretty much been happening.
School:
Best thing happening to me at the moment. Provides much needed stability and normalcy. If I don't want to deal with life, school is what I rely on to get me through the moment. Unfortunately summer break is approaching at full speed and I'm dreading not having school for 6 weeks. What am I going to do?! I know I sound crazy when I say this but honestly with everything that's been changing in my life, school is the only thing that's remained the same. School is the same anywhere you go: you're expected to do your work, study hard, and you'll be rewarded.
Friends:
My friends here are awesome. I love them to death and while they are mostly older than me (25-30) we still have fun going out together. Of course most of them have jobs, families/husbands, and lives that keep them busy so fitting in with them when they're talking about their mother-in-law or their kids or their co-workers, etc. is kind of difficult. Mostly I hang out with Sarah, Robbie, and Jaclyn because we're all between the ages of 21 and 23. We all have different interests but we have fun hanging out regardless.
Boys:
This is where life gets to that emotional roller coaster I've been talking about. J3 and I had been talking a lot and we've kind of come to a halt in our.... friendship/relationship. I didn't know what we were until now. He's not ready for another relationship and I wanted to get back with him so we kind of struggled with our communication. Mostly my fault for not saying what I was really feeling and letting him say here's what we're gonna do. So of course after being hurt enough I snapped and I'm not so proud to say that we're not really on great terms anymore. It sucks. It REALLY sucks. He still wants me in his life as a friend but I don't think I'm mature enough for that so I'm pretty much keeping it a shallow friendship consisting mostly of "I need nutrition advice" and "can you help me" situations. I've started to talk to other guys, mostly ex's, about why he has such control over me and all they could really say is that I'm not over him. WELL DUHHHHH I could've told you that!! Part of me still wants to wait it out and see what might happen but another part is telling me "you've been through enough it's time to pull the plug." Putting something to sleep is never easy but sometimes it's for the best. When I'm not talking to him I'm less stressed out and kind of happier but I also don't feel complete. It's like no one can make me feel as good about myself than he can.... It's weird I know. I think I need to get over him.
Probably one of the best things that came out of my struggle with J3 is the reconnection I made with Nick. Yes my ex Nick from Hawaii that is so different from me that I still don't know how we get along so well. I started texting him and he's helping me to figure myself out. Whenever I'm not feeling great or I have the urge to talk to J3, I text him and he makes everything seem perfect. Nothing to worry about, everything to smile about. I don't know what made me lose contact with him for so long.... oh wait yes I do, 6000+ miles and a whole mess of boy drama in college. Ugh well, there's no one here for me to date so there's really no drama left and now I'm only 3000+ miles away. Ergo, TEXT!!
Is it possible to use guy to get over another guy?? or I guess more so I'm asking, is it OK or healthy?? What if I don't want to get over J3?? UGHHHHH stupid Oregon and your young marriage age.... STOP MAKING ME THINK ABOUT IT!!! This is why I made it known at Skidmore that I'm never getting married. It's too much stress!! Grrrrrrr

In other news: I'm crazy. The end.

Well not really the end. I don't have much else to catch you up on but I'm sure as time goes by I'll think of more to write. Hopefully I'll be back within the week. Until then... Laters

Finish 3rd Week of Grad School... CHECK!!

Hey everyone. Sorry for being a little MIA but seriously... life has started to run away with me. Every since the crash I've found myself at the core of a world full of paperwork and responsibilities. Being grown up is no fun. I've had to be on the phone with Geico and my dad and Honda for what feels like two weeks straight. Thankfully nothing is too complicated when it's taken step by step. I think I would've shut down if my dad wasn't there for me the whole time. I'm starting to believe that I'm never going to be an independent person. There are just some people who can't make it on their own, and I think I'm one of them... It's not a bad thing, it's just not what I had hoped would be my fate. Regardless, I am thankful for everything that he has done for me. Him and Jeremy. J3 has been my shoulder to cry on ever since I met him and this time is no different. Whenever I feel overwhelmed I can text him and say that I'm fine but he always knows that there's something wrong and he'll talk to me until the tears have cleaned itself out. I hope he knows just how much I appreciate his presence. I know it's not his place anymore since we're just friends but he's still there for me no matter what. I really love that I have someone like that in my life. I think that everyone should have someone like that and I think that's what pushed me into following my path straight into grad school for counseling.

Speaking of school, I'm one class short of finishing my third week of grad school and I'm still loving it as much as when I started. Every day there's another instant feeling of pride and accomplishment. I'm not sure where it comes from but I like having it. None of that delayed gratification crap for me haha... kidding. This past weekend was the first weekend I felt like I fell behind in work because I spent it down in Ashland for the Fourth of July. Although I feel like I fell behind, I really didn't. All that happened was that I didn't read the chapter for today 3 times (just twice). Yes, because I had nothing to do last weekend I read every chapter in my books for the week multiple times. I felt like I was in a state of depression. While I was getting a lot of work done, I wasn't happy. School was the only thing getting me out of the apartment and it was all I had to look forward to. Now I have friends and love school. It's funny how much happier I get when I have a balanced life and friends who share the same beliefs as I do and encourage me to have fun while still loving school.

This week began the three part Harry Potter party. Yesterday we watched HP1 and HP2 while munching on pumpkin pastries and licorice wands and drinking pumpkin juice and butter beer. Yes it was all home made and AMAZING!! Sunday we're watching HP3, 4, and 5. Then next week Wednesday we're watching 6 and 7 part 1. Then we're going to the midnight showing after class on Thursday. We're all really excited for it and I can't wait to see what else we find to do while killing time in between classes.

Today I got all caught up with my work and found that I have more time than I thought I did. My dad bought me a dining room set (a table and four chairs) so now I never leave the living room. At least I'm getting out of my room right?? I miss having housemates and people to hang out with at home. Don't get me wrong, I love my new friends that I'm making but most of them have families that they commit most of their time to. At least in Nwoods I had that family feel too you know?? Hopefully I'll be able to get over that soon, it's a real mood killer.

I think I'll have more time to update you because I don't really have any more holidays coming up taking me out of town plus I have a lot of projects to start and finish within the next month... Only 5 weeks left of term!! Sad I won't be able to see J3 because of our busy schedules but we knew that would happen (one of the many reasons we aren't back together). I still can't believe I am where I am. It doesn't feel like I'll be completely moved in before I have to pick up and move again. You think I should bring that up in my therapy sessions?? I think so. Anyway, as I learn more, you'll learn more. Keep following!! Until then... Laters

I survived

It's time to celebrate because I just survived week 1 of grad school. Saturday (class/day 1) was the worst. It was from 9am-5pm with an hour for lunch. There were both 3rd years (part time) and 1st years (full time) in the class. It felt like a lot of information thrown at me and I was a bit intimidated. Of course the 3rd years talked the most because they knew what they were talking about. They had already had theory courses and experience to base their observations off of. The poor 1st years were sitting in their seats with their jaws wide open because we felt so lost. I admit, I was scared that I wasn't prepared for this.

Monday (class/day 2) was methods class. I walked in with an uncomfortable stride and sat in the front row in the center of the row. I was NOT ashamed of being the nerd because I knew that I was scared of failing. Half an hour into class we go over the syllabus. A two page research proposal and a final exam is all that I see under assignments. WHAT?! Then we got into lecture. We went over a few things in summary (all of which I have learned in detail at Skidmore) as well as the purpose of a theoretical framework and literature review. Then our instructor asked the question, "Is there such a thing as too big a sample?" My head nods yes while others say I have no idea. Then she asks for those of us saying yes, why? My hand goes up and she calls on people from the back to the front so I'm the last to answer. Now I swear, Professor Fox must have said, "If you learn anything from me, let it be this..." at least a half dozen times. This is one of those things that he's told us to remember!! And this is what I said, "Law of probability. The bigger your sample is, the more likely you are to find what you are testing for, even if there isn't a correlation there." Apparently that's what the instructor was looking for because she stopped calling on people to give their answers. THANK YOU FOXY!!!!!!! After this class I was feeling much better about my standing in grad school.

Tuesday (class/day 3) was Pre-Practicum. This was the day that we got into our cohort of 38 people and then split up into our tracks of mental health, community counseling, and school counseling. There are nine people in the school counseling track and only seven who are full time. This class was fun because we really got to see how different we were from the other counselors. After class I was supposed to drive down to Ashland. I got into a car wreck because a deer jumped out in front of me. I ended up rolling my car off the side of the hwy and totaling it. I'm fine, physically. I don't think I'll be driving long distances for a while. It's hard to live in a place all alone and deal with something like that. Jeremy was nice enough to drive up and be with me to make sure I was alright, both physically and mentally/emotionally. Today I'm still a little sore but nothing too serious.

Thursday (class/day 4) was theories class. This is probably going to be my hardest class by far. There are a lot of theorists that overlap in their teachings so separating them out and learning about them will be a task. Luckily our biggest paper is only 5 pages and it asks, "What theorist do you most identify with and why?" The final is open book open notes. I'm glad they're starting us off with easy courses. It's a nice way to ease in to the grad school life.

I'm not really sure what I have planned for the weekend but with no friends my age, I can't imagine I'd be doing much. I'll be sure to keep you updated.Until then... Laters

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes...

Except in this case. I just woke up from a terrible dream that I am interpreting into a lesson I learned from Skidmore. Let's start with the dream (if you don't want to hear about the dream I apologize but it's a bit important to my epiphany tonight):

It all started with me sending out text messages asking if anyone wanted to go out before school started. None of my friends that I usually go out with responded so I asked a couple of "irregulars." These people consisted of Hawaii friends, family, and friends that I met in California last year. I'm not really sure where this part of the dream took place but somehow we were all in the same area. Anyway, no one responded right away except my almost 16-year-old cousin. She gave me a pity text that stated, "Sure you can hang out with me. What kind of hanging out did you want to do?" I'm not really sure what that meant but I knew that if I hung out with her, I would be hanging out with 16-year-olds. I wasn't about to crash her party, plus I don't know her friends. Finally someone responded and I ended up hanging out with my friend Isaac from Hawaii, Jeremy from Oregon, and all of his friends from University of Redlands (which are the California friends I met last year that I mentioned before).
Somehow I'm all of a sudden at Skidmore and we're all in the same classes together. Our first class was in some room that doesn't exist but it had the same feeling as the ICC. This room, however, was underground and REALLY dirty. I can't even describe how disgusting it was. Anyway, we had class and we were supposed to go to the next class together but the group of people I was with ditched me like I was a high school dork trying to fit in with the cool kids. I looked at my schedule and saw that my next class was in the library. I heard someone say that it started in 15 seconds. I ran as fast as I could to the library. Skidmore in my dream was no where near as small as it actually is. So I get to the library, see class already starting, and try to find the room where I'm supposed to "check in" (what ever that means). I trip and fall all over tables, chairs, and people, get in trouble for causing a disturbance, and then get to class late. This is when I woke up in a panic that I missed my first day of class, only to realize I'm still in California.

So where is the lesson you may ask?? I'll tell you: All year I have been a part of FightClub. Multiple conflict coaches and friends have told me to be fearless because I let my fears paralyze me from doing what I want to do. Here's where my epiphany kicks in. As much as I want to be fearless, I don't think that it's right for me.

One of my classmates once said that learning begins where comfort ends. I left my life in comfy little Hawaii to fly 6,000+ miles to a small city in upstate New York. After taking four years to get comfortable in snowy little Skidmore, I'm on the move again to a school in Oregon, which I might add is 3,000+ miles away from any place I've ever called home.

Putting the two previous paragraphs together... If I were fearless, I would never be uncomfortable. If I were never uncomfortable, I would never learn. I put on a brave face and pretend like a big change is the best thing to happen in my life, when in reality, I have no idea what to expect, and that scares me. It scares me enough to wake me from a dream every night for a week around 5am, before I finally realize what I'm fighting and why I'm scared. Truth is, I have no idea what will happen in the next month, let alone the next two years of graduate school. I learned that not facing my fear of being uncomfortable leads to a path of misery for two years, only to be followed by a semester of going abroad, a semester of having no friends because they're all abroad while I've returned, and finally a year of comfort and fun. Well, I don't have four years at this school, so I have to figure out how to get comfortable before I graduate. In order to do that, I have to stop fighting my fear and start learning from my discomfort. I will not gravitate towards the group of Asians quietly sitting in the corner of the classroom. I will not change my moral beliefs to fit in with the loud fun-loving students who never study but still manage to get good grades. I will not hold onto the past because I'm uncomfortable with the present and the uncertainty of the future. I can't wait to see how this works out for me since I start classes on Saturday. I'm really nervous and yes, I'll admit scared. But if I wasn't, I would worry that I wasn't human. Next time I update you I'll probably be talking about school and all my struggles with it. Hopefully the dreams stop soon!! Until then... Laters

SUCCESS!!!!

I found an apartment, I'm semi moved in, I have my books... There's a lot of stuff going on right now. I'm pretty much taking it day by day, hour by hour at this point. I'm pretty overwhelmed by it all. First I wanna make a shout out to the Boston Bruins and Red Sox for winning both their games last night!! I've been really excited with the games this week :D The Bruins are going to win the Stanley Cup!!!! That's my prediction.

Moving on: I have class on June 18th. Yes, June 18th, the Saturday before the quarter officially starts... LAME!! Whatever, it'll get my mind moving. I've been stressing out about not knowing what's really going on so much lately that having a schedule will be nice. I have 8 weeks of summer term and then 6 weeks of break. I have big plans for my new life in Oregon and I can't wait until I have enough time to really implement them. I can't really do anything until I have furniture though :/

Tomorrow I leave for Cali for my cousin's high school graduation. I won't be able to watch game 5 of the Stanley Cup because I'll be at dinner in Cali :'( I'll be watching closely on twitter though. Not to mention I'll be sportin' my Bruins shirt :D I'll be back in Bend Friday night so that I can get to class Saturday morning. I'm so excited to meet new friends. That isn't to say that my college friends will be replaced!! Much like my high school friends weren't replaced by my college friends. I actually have missed my college friends like crazy these last couple of weeks. I can't imagine how much I'll miss them when I'm actually "supposed" to see them... like in September when Skidmore starts. Sigh... This is gonna be a harsh summer break. I probably won't update for a while since I have a lot to do between now and my next breather. Keep checking back because I will eventually get around to updating you. Until then... Laters

Final Destination

OREGON!! I've finally reached Oregon, my final destination. We're staying in Redmond, which is about a half hour away from Bend. It's time for me to start looking for apartments. Tomorrow I will drive around Bend and see what the neighborhoods look like. Then I have until Friday to really find a place to live. There's so much to do and so little time. After this week I will be headed down to California for my cousin's high school graduation. I'm starting to stress out about finding a place to live and getting all my school materials and everything else by the time we leave for California. I was stressing about it as soon as we passed the state line!! But of course, with the help of one very special friend, I was reminded that everything will work out. I obviously don't always believe that, but something tells me that eventually everything will in fact work out.

The first thing we did when we got to Bend was watch the Bruins/Canucks game 2 of the Stanley Cup. The Bruins lost :( I was heartbroken but at least it was an exciting game. You can't really watch a hockey game and not get excited. The next game is Monday and it's a home game so you KNOW that the Bruins will win (the crowd does a lot for the team). And you better believe that I'll be there at the TV cheering them on!! haha

When I figure out where I'm living and get things at least a little settled, I will be sure to update you. So keep checking back!! Until then... Laters

On The Road: Day 9

Hello hello!! I'm currently in Spokane after a very successful day of traveling. We were planning on driving straight to Spokane, WA from Butte, MT. About halfway through our drive we saw a billboard for a city in Idaho called Wallace. It is the silver capitol of the world (or something like that). Basically, when you drive into the city it's like going back in time a little. The city is really small and everyone waves to each other. W took a tour of a silver-iron mine and the town. I even bought a "finger friend." It's a gem glued to a ring with googly eyes. Surprisingly REALLY cute. I named mine Porcus Wally. He's emerald green like my birthstone. Anyway, we spent a couple of hours in Wallace and then we got back on the road for Spokane. We got into the city by 5 and just hung out in the room until now (10:15). The hotel had free cookies in the lobby at 7 and they were DELICIOUS!! We made a pretty good choice hanging out in the hotel all night since we were all pretty exhausted from doing too much all at once.

This was a significantly better traveling day than yesterday. Although we didn't do as much we still had a great time venturing through the west. For the entire ride we listened to country music because that was the only station that we could get. I like country music so I had a great time driving. My sister, on the other hand, looked like she might have jumped out the car going 70mph if she didn't have her ipod on extra loud. It's a good thing she can sleep in cars!!

Tomorrow we head down to Redmond to start our search for apartments. It's sad to think that this is the end of our adventure driving through the U. S. of A. but I'm more than ready to settle down and find a place I can call my own for the next 24 months (hotels make me miss my own bedding). I may not update as frequently once this trip is over because, let's face it, my life isn't this exciting all the time. However, I do have a couple camping trips planned out for the summer with a friend of mine who lives in Oregon, so you'll be able to read all about it. Thanks for following me from east to west and taking this great journey with me. Be sure to keep checking back for more updates!! Until then... Laters