the struggle is over

Well for now anyway. Tonight was the last of 5 performances from Saturday morning to Monday night. First was the Christmas show at 10am and 2pm on Saturday day. It started out incredibly hormonal. I had a great break down and cried and it was epic. After that was the Tabernacle performance. I wasn't in much of a better mood there but I managed to get through it. Plus I saw Crichton and he always tries to be there for me and make me smile. At the end of the night I went home and slept and had some intense dreams. On Sunday night I had another Tabernacle performance. Tonight I performed at Ala Moana Center Stage. On Sunday, after the opening number, I was introduced to the CUTEST Mormon guy. He's around my age and seems really nice. I really wanna get to know him better but I'm leaving in a month to go back to New York so maybe it's not worth it? Everyone keeps telling me that I shouldn't have a boyfriend because I wanna be free of attachments to do what ever I want to do. But I'm not always happy without a boyfriend. I'm never in one place too long which is why I tend to be single most of the time but I can't honestly say that I enjoy being like that. I know I'm still young and I keep being reminded of that. But seriously I'm tired of jumping from state to state, country to country, and relationship to relationship. I don't want to be single forever but I'd rather be single than be part of the hook up culture at school. I'd also rather have a long distance relationship than be single. I think the introduction of me to this guy is a tactic to get me to stay home forever. I know I'm not meant to be in a relationship right now because if I was, I would have met a Mormon in Saratoga Springs, which is where I'll be for the next 10/11 months. I also still really miss Adam and can't stop missing him. I dream about him all the time. Sometimes I wish I weren't so boy crazy. I'd appreciate having lack of emotions for all boys until I was REALLY ready to be in a long-term relationship. I haven't had a relationship longer than a few months. I don't know if I'm capable of having one. All I do know is that if I don't stay put soon, I won't ever have a long-term relationship. Everyone keeps saying that any guy would be lucky to have me... well where the heck is this lucky guy?! I'm not a very patient person and this waiting for time to tell me what I need to know is testing me. I think I'm failing miserably. I just want to fast forward through the next few months to see how I end up. There are so many things for me to look forward to that I can't wait until they all become reality. This is just like when I was waiting for my summer to start. I waited anxiously for a month so that I could finally leave for Greece. Then once that was over I went off to Colorado to go on my Archaeology field experience. That went by quickly as well and I couldn't wait to leave for Australia. But once that came and went I didn't really have anything to look forward to. I mean I have my post graduate plans to look forward to but that is something I have to once again wait for. Once it actually comes I have to find out what I want to do for the rest of my life. Whether I want to come back to Hawaii or if I want to live somewhere else. People may be saying that I'm still young and I have time to figure it out but I don't think that they realize that time goes by a lot quicker than you think. The next time I blink I'll probably be 23 and done with grad school!! I won't be stable, or settled, and I might not even have a job to support myself! What do I do if I have to rely on my parents until I'm 30?! That's NOT ok! Alright that's the end of my freak out for tonight but you know me..... I'm not gonna be able to let this go. I'll let you know what's going on in my life when I know. Until then, Laters!