Stress with a smile

Hey everyone. I know I haven't been keeping you as updated as I said I would but I mean really, I'm having trouble catching my breath, let alone finding time to sit and cry. So here's a brief update: GREs sucked and I failed miserably at them (looks like I'm not going to UPS, c'mon OSU... Accept me please!!); Big Top was pretty awesome even though I couldn't perform in it because of my injury... the lights didn't go out for the glowstick section, which sucked, but we still killed it; and since my back injury I've still be dancing and riding like normal, I just don't show anyone how weak I am by letting them know I feel pain.

Coming up:Tomorrow is a study day, which in Skidmore terms means get drunk in the AM and party until you hurt. I, fortunately, have three excuses as to why I will not be participating in it (so don't even bother asking or calling me up to find out what I'm doing!!).

1. I have to give a conflict resolution workshop up at Glens Falls High School from 10am to 1pm. I have been working so incredibly hard on this workshop with a chick who needs to learn to keep her damn mouth shut. Literally everything I say as an idea for what to do in the workshop, she replies with "that's not a very strong idea." When I say, "well what would you like to do then?" She replies with, "I don't really care. I'm just doing this because we have to. You can create what ever curriculum you want." So I met with our other group member and we created the WHOLE curriculum AND I typed it up so that we could just give it to her so she knew what we were doing. Her response, "why couldn't I contribute to it?" WTF?!?! I've been trying soooooooo hard not to yell at her. UGH!! Regardless of what she did or did not contribute, we are traveling up to Glens Falls tomorrow to present our workshop (that I worked on for three weeks) to high school freshmen.

2. I have a horse show to prepare for. We are all supposed to go to the barn and help clean tack or horses or the ring itself. I'm helping to set up the ring. I have six assignments due on either Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday, which means that I can't attend the preshow dinner. This also means that I'm ditching out on another team event because of school... LAME!! I've been thrown from a twice this semester, I've lost feeling in my left foot, and I have messed up my back. Yet somehow I'm still showing on Saturday. Cindy must be desperate.

3. The horse show itself. Athletes are not allowed to drink or party 72 hours before a game/match/show. That's the official rule that almost no athlete follows. However, I do. Not to mention that I have to be up and working at the barn by 6:30am on a Saturday. I can't stay up past 10pm unless I'm at Breakbeats practice, which we don't have on Fridays for good reason. I'm struggling to stay up and type this post as it is. My body hurts, I'm exhausted, I want to cry but don't have the energy to. I really just want to freeze time for a day. I want a day to sit and do nothing. Have nothing due the next day, have no dance practice, no equestrian practice, no show, no test to prepare for..... NOTHING. I don't have very good stamina. I just can't do it.

So there are the three excuses... In other news, I wish I had a separate email address that I used for the STARR project/my job. I get 32 emails a day and if I don't check it constantly it fills up and I have to respond to all of them at once. I constantly move emails that don't say STARR in the subject line into another folder and then forget to read them and then completely screw everyone over for not reading it. Today I found out that I can't vote because I didn't mail in something that I was supposed to have mailed in like a month ago because it was in an email I didn't read!! I haven't ever voted before so I didn't understand what I was supposed to do. I thought the absentee ballot was the email I got not the application to get the absentee ballot. EFF EMM ELLE!!!!! Apparently I now need to add "talk to family members" on my to do list so that I don't completely forget that I have family members. Today someone asked me how's your cousin doing (because she's pregnant and the person asking me was pregnant) and I literally looked at her and asked, "What cousin??" I was legit so confused!! I seriously don't talk to anyone about anything other than school or team stuff. This is messed up!! I need to give something up this semester or else I'm going to suffocate myself.

So here's the deal... I can't give up equestrian because... well let's face it, it's just not an option unless I'm physically dying or literally failing a class (which I can't do either). I can't give up any classes because it's already the middle of the semester and a drop would say something on my transcript, which I need to look pretty for grad school applications (F*** that reminds me, I didn't fill those out yet). I could theoretically give up Breakbeats but that's like saying I could give up dessert after I eat my vegetables.... I don't see that realistically happening. I could give up fight club for a little while, just until I get my feet back on the ground (which I may have to do). I can't give up work because it's important to my future, my senior sem project, and, well, me.

Giving up fight club will give me an hour of my Wednesday night back to me. Giving up a Sunday practice and maybe a Tuesday practice every now and then for Breakbeats will give me about 5 hours to add to homework time. Giving up my Thursday practices for equestrian will give me an hour and a half. IF I give up all these activities, I should be able to eat and sleep. As of right now I'm going off of 10 meals a week. I manage to squeeze in an 11th when I eat a hot pocket on my way to practice on Thursdays. I can't eat lunch because I'm in classes all day and I tend to sleep through my alarm so I run out the door for class without breakfast. This semester will basically be the death of me. But that's OK because next semester I will have 12 credits, one academic class, and another class that ends in the middle of the semester. So this is my veggie time, next semester is my dessert. Well it better be since I have enough credits and all my requirements fulfilled for graduation. I will technically be graduated this semester. HELLZ TO THE YAY-YEA!!

Ok it's officially past 11pm and I have yet to stay up past 11:30 this semester. So I'm gonna head off to sleep so that I'm not exhausted for my workshop tomorrow. To the Skidmore friends I have left: I'm sorry you haven't seen me this semester unless you're in a class with me or on a team I'm on. When you become a senior you'll understand. To my family: I swear I'll read all of the emails you've been sending me once I'm done with my senior project on the 16th of December. If it's something that's uber importante you should probably send it multiple times until I respond with "OK it's done, thanks." To all the other random people who read this: I'll get better about writing in this blog when I get through my semester of stress, which I cover up really well with a smile that says, "my teeth hurt and a smile is all I can manage to do right now." I'll write a short post about how the show goes just so you know... but until then... Laters!