back from break

Ok... so I haven't updated in a LONG time. Here's some of the reasons why: 1) midterms raped me; 2) spring break; 3) tears and heartache; 4) smiles and laughs; and 5) just couldn't express myself to the world yet. So let's go all the way back to Thursday March 11th when I became suddenly single again.
March 11: I woke up from a text message that notified me that Justin had messaged me via facebook at 4am. I was already exhausted from midterms since I had three, one in test form and two in paper form (both ended up being 9 pages long). I was both physically and mentally exhausted. Unfortunately this story doesn't have a happy ending just yet because I was now emotionally unstable. He had decided that we were in the relationship with really nothing to hold on to. I put up a mild fight but after separating myself from the situation and mediating myself I learned that he was right. I needed to let go. It was time to start climbing back up to the surface (those of you who know my analogy of "love" will understand that last statement). I continued throughout the day with a mask hiding my broken heart. This very same day I was hit on by 4 guys... SERIOUSLY?! is there some kind of code that guys get via text the minute someone is single so that they can jump on that?? Maybe it was because I dressed up to make me appear stronger and more confident than I was really feeling. I'm not sure. All I know is that I had a great Thursday evening with Breakbeats breaking walls :) I love you guys, you make me smile in my darkest times.
March 12: FREEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! I turned in my last exam and rode a horse. Then I cleaned my room and packed for Spring Break :) Little did I know, this spring break would be the spring break that would heal me in the shortest amount of time possible. I met new friends, felt love from a family, and reconnected with Jeremy. I spent all of Friday evening relaxing and just getting myself prepared for the 5 hour drive to Pennsylvania.
March 13: I couldn't sleep in past 8. I woke up so excited for my first solo long distance drive to Swigman's house. I left early, grabbed some breakfast and lunch on the road and just used the time to get my head cleared. When I arrived at the Wigman's house I was greeted with friendly welcoming faces. I knew in an instant that I would love them like they were my own family.
March 14-20: The days weren't particularly planned. We used some of them to do work and others to get some retail therapy in. I bought some cute dresses and spring outfits for great prices. We baked brownies and ate a ton of great food. We went to see a show called Respect. It was about womens' lives through popular songs by women. It was basically an amazing show. I had my very first water ice from Rita's. For those of you who don't know what it is, it's basically a slushy or slush puppy but not quite so watery and eaten with a spoon rather than drunken from a straw. I had chocolate fudge :) of course.
March 21: I left early Sunday morning and got back to campus. I did some Walmart shopping and then just hung out in my room the rest of the night. I texted Jeremy pretty much all night.
Today: I woke up ready to start the day. I realized that I hadn't stretched at all during the break so basically I was in for a fun Jazz class haha. I was so excited to be dancing again. I really needed to do some physical activity. I rather enjoyed dance and Anthro this morning but then I went to Stats and wanted to kill myself. It was SO boring and our prof isn't very good. He's so scatter brained that it's just ridiculous. He gave us back out midterms and I got an 80 on the second part which means overall I got an 82 :( I'm not too happy with that score because I could have gotten a 95 had I not messed up the one problem with the frequencies and percentages.... GRRRRRRR. I'm expecting to get my Anthro and Theory papers back within the next week or so. Can't wait.... PSYCH! Theory class today was pretty interesting. I contributed positively to the discussion and I'm pretty excited because usually I'm completely lost the entire time. Thursday I have a paper due on a stance for Education. I'm not entirely sure what the guidelines are yet so I haven't started :/ It has to be 3-4 pages...... wait for it...... SINGLE SPACED!!!! and emailed... not handed in hard copy. A little against the norm but what ever. So as soon as I figure out what to write about I'll be doing that for the next few nights. I'll probably update you next week after my mediation training this weekend. Another 15 hours of class added onto Saturday and Sunday. So excited :) anyways... until next time, Laters!

what did i do wrong?

Is it wrong to want a guy who wants ME and not for me to make my dreams come true? Why is it that I ALWAYS choose the guys who don't want to stand in the way of me reaching my goals in life? You know that saying nice guys finish last? Well I date those nice guys and it ends up kicking me when I'm down. I've reached enough goals to get me to where I am now. I'm over the whole goal achieving thing. If I continued to make goals to go after, it would take until I'm dead to accomplish all of them. I've also failed at a lot of goals to know that I won't die if I sacrifice a few to get something else out of it, like a lasting relationship. Everyone keeps telling me that I have my whole life ahead of me. I don't want to live for the future any more. I could walk out my room, get hit by a Frisbee, get a concussion and die at any moment of any day while I'm 20. In that case, no, I don't have my whole life ahead of me. And you know what? I wouldn't even be able to say that I accomplished a whole lot because I was too busy preparing for the future. I got a lot of preparation done but nothing finished. My mom keeps telling me to take it day by day, one step at a time. Well that's what I'm trying to do but America has become WAY too future oriented that it's hard not to look 30 years into the future. I feel like I need to know where I'm going to live, where I'm going to work, what type of shoes I'm going to be wearing in order for me to live now. You wanna know why I'm rushing through life? Because I know that at any moment, it could all cease to exist. What if DCP decides to stop running in 2012 when I decide I want to apply. That's an opportunity I missed out on. What if I apply for a job but they say "Oh you know what? We haven't had any positions open up since last year. Had you applied last year you could've had the job." That's another opportunity I missed out on. Time has become such a pressing issue in my life that apparently dating has become a waste of time. Am I incapable of love? Every time someone tells me they love me I cry. I freak out because I don't know what to say. I have the hardest time telling family that I love them let alone friends and significant others. And just when I let my guard down to start to acknowledge that I might be feeling something strong and new I get my heart broken. This feeling of pain is nothing new to me. I've been hurt and to be honest I don't think I've ever recovered from it. It gets mildly masked for a little while but it never really heals. I keep telling people that I don't know what it feels like to be in love because every time I get close, I feel pain. If this is what love feels like I don't want to be in love. EVER. I never should've given up my boy fast. The reason I set that rule was to prevent me from feeling like this.

I don't think I can get through the next two months, miserable at Skidmore, without you in my life. I wanted to leave school and come home but now if I leave Skidmore I don't know where I would go. This is like choosing between prison or the streets. Skidmore is my prison where I get food and shelter but rarely any freedom. Out on the streets I'll be in danger 24/7 and I won't feel a sense of being, but at least I'll be out of somewhere that makes me miserable. When I loved it here, I hated home. Now I hate it here but can't love home. Where do I go? What do I do?

There's no fulfillment in accomplishing goals if you're alone. I could have 5 PhD's by the time I'm 30 because that was my goal. But it wouldn't mean a thing to me if I was alone and had no one to share it with. When does the living for myself end and living for someone else begin? Please tell me because I'm tired of being broken. I'm starting to feel like I'm destined to end up alone. Laters.

long over due update

Hey everyone. Sorry I haven't updated you in a while... I believe it's been 10 days?? Well let's start from the beginning. I got my paper back on the 3rd. This is the one for Theory... the one that I stressed over and got sick from because I forgot to eat and didn't sleep and spent literally 20-24 hours on it. Well let's just say I did worse than average. So I had a nice long cry over it and became really frustrated that I was being told not to worry about it. Something that I learned this weekend is that sometimes it's NOT helpful to calm someone down when they're upset. Sometimes you HAVE to let them get it all out in a tantrum like manner. So I cried and yelled and threatened a lot of people to stop being my friend because they weren't helping. If you're reading this, SORRY GUYS!! Then I sat down and worked on my second paper for Theory. It's due on Wednesday and I've already finished a good portion of it so I've finally calmed down about it. I've been stressing about it since I got the assignment.

Then on Friday the 5th I went to riding. I was stressed, angry, frustrated, and tense. The horses obviously felt that from me so they reflected it right back to me. I looked awful and felt tired. I was exhausted by the end of the first lesson and I had practice immediately after. When I was tacking up the horse I was riding stepped on my foot! Now it's all bruised and I couldn't even dance today :( I almost cried because it was so depressing having to just watch my class.

Then Saturday and Sunday came along and can I just say that my 10am-6pm mediation training was the greatest experience of my life? I absolutely loved it and was amazed that I learned so much in such a short amount of time. My instincts changed and I learned to listen and reflect. I learned so much about conflict and how to resolve it without becoming biased. I have to keep practicing of course but I still feel a MAJOR sense of accomplishment. I find myself doing some of the practices even without thinking about it. I'm looking for some conflicts to practice mediating if anyone has any problems let me know ;) I managed to help a friend who wanted to quit his sport. We talked for an hour. He was incredibly upset and was a bit of a mess but by the end of the hour he was smiling and talking about moving on and we came up with a solution that helped him get over his anger. It was nice to know that I could really use my training right away. I've become a really good listener and love that I learned about myself by listening to other people. After my training I managed to get some work done. I finished a couple drafts of my Theory paper and managed to study for my stats midterm.

Today was my stats midterm and I F*CKED IT UP!!!!!!! I completely overlooked the fact that one of the tables was a percentage table and not a frequency table so I answered all of the questions after it as if all the percentages were frequency values. I can't believe that I messed that up and that's probably like 10 points off so now the highest grade I can get is a 90. FML! I'm finally breathing now that the in-class midterm is out of the way. My paper is well on it's way to being done and I have one more take home midterm due Friday. That's gonna be a pain to work on because it's very very very specific and I have to go back into the text to find the information. Hopefully I can get through it. On the plus side, it's all very concrete so once I find the answer I'll know it's the answer.

So back to my point on the title line: long over due update. This is basically the first time all week that I've been able to find time to update you all. Spring break is next week so I'll DEFINITELY be updating you on all my adventures in Philly with SWIGMAN!!!!!!! I'm driving there so It'll be my first solo long distance drive. So wish me luck! Until then.... Laters!

longest horse show EVER!

First of all can I just say that home shows are already long. We usually wake up and start working by 6:45. The show usually starts at 8 and we're out of there by 5pm if we're lucky. Because it was snowing all last night through until now (it's still snowing), we postponed the show until 10am this morning. Therefore, we didn't get done with the show until 7pm. I wasn't showing so I just handled my baby Blue :D. Everyone was really tired and grouchy by the end of the night. We lost to Hartwick!!!!!!! WTH?! Next weekend is Hartwick's show so we'll be sure to take their home show victory away from them. I was pissed when I got back to my room but then I looked over at my window to see five stems sprouting in my cup of soil :). Last Tuesday I had planted some seeds in hope of growing some flowers for a little piece of spring. It made me smile to know that within less than a week my flowers have started to grow and are looking very healthy! That's pretty much the only thing that has been keeping me smiling for the last couple of days.

I turned in three more applications and haven't heard back from any of them.... LAME. But I can't do anything about the fact that the economy sucks right now. I have been keeping up with my homework because I haven't been doing anything other than riding, dance, and school work. Occasionally I go out on the weekends but not very often. It's getting depressing in my room. No life in my room (hence why I planted flowers... it's a form of life!!), only my computer to communicate with people... I've become a hermit. Spring break is in two weeks and midterms is in one. Bring on the stress! I have to start choreographing for Breakbeats again because we need 12 pieces and we only have 7. There's a month (technically) before the Rithmos show and we're probably performing at Pulse as well (even though we don't know when that is). We have the Aca dinner to perform at in late April (I think) and then of course there's our show that we have to prepare for. So basically we have to get a lot of crap done. Can you believe that we're 2 weeks away from the half way mark?! It's amazing how quickly these past few weeks went by so quickly. It felt long but then I look at how much is left and I realize that the weeks are crossing off so quickly. This is making me PANIC. If I don't start working soon I don't really see the point in living here for the summer. I'm not going to have anything to do. So it's one of those moments where I'm like, "is it really worth even looking for a place to live anymore?" "Should I just come home?" I'm starting to hate Skidmore. I love the teachers and the classes but the people I have to interact with on a day to day basis are annoying. Skidmore is such a high school!! There was a rumor going around about the riding team and Breakbeats is getting an amazing reputation that's hard to keep up. So everyone knows me as this ridiculous contradictory of a good and bad students based on the extra curriculars I do. Well SCREW YOU SKID KIDZ I'm over it. Just gimme the damn degree and let me leave already.

I'm sure I have a lot more to say but there's nothing I can really think of at the moment. I know that soon enough I'll be back on the computer typing out all my problems for the world to read (because my life is really that interesting). Special shout out to Justin because he's had a rough weekend too. Even when you make me worried, I still manage to smile at the sound of your voice :) Thanks for calling me this morning. To everyone else, enjoy the random updates. Until next time.... Laters!

let it snow let it snow let it snow

If only it was good snow and not flavorless slush puppies. Driving in slush is crazy. It's like it's raining so you splash through puddles but its still snowing so it accumulates on your windshield and blocks your vision. Riding practice tonight was canceled because during my afternoon lesson all of our horses FREAKED out and a few started bucking. My horse spooked and wouldn't stand still after that. She kept coughing and shaking her head. It was rather scary. This snow is just being ridiculous to everyone and everything.

This weekend I went bowling on Friday. I went with Tal, Kadeem, and Dawid. We played four games and changed our names every game. It was hilarious! Kadeem was Kadeem, Killah, Studly, and Rum. Dawid was Dave, Duh, Smatas, and Tequila. Tal was Tally, Trapa, Sassy, and Patron. I was Chelc, Culprit, Sekc, and Vodka. Hopefully you can see the patterns we were following. The scores were pretty bad.

Game 1: Kadeem: 96. Dawid: 92. Tal: 105. Me: 65
Game 2: Kadeem (Killah): 104. Dawid (Duh): 50. Tal (Trapa): 108. Me (Culprit): 61Game 3: Kadeem (Studly): 78. Dawid (Smatas): 85. Tal (Sassy): 151. Me (Sekc): 116.

Game 4: Kadeem (Rum): 106. Dawid (Tequila): 86. Tal (Patron): 86. Me (Vodka): 62.

I bowled the last game with my left hand because my right hand was so sore!! How sad.... My score on my left hand was the same as my right hand haha. After the games we called it a night and went back to campus.

Saturday night I went to the movies with Jen :) We went to see Valentine's Day. Then that got out at 9 so we decided to see Dear John. BEST TWO MOVIES EVERRRRRRRRR!!!!! I cried throughout the ENTIRE movie of Dear John and absolutely fell in LOVE with Valentine's Day. I recommend both for everyone!!!!! I got back to my room and wrote a letter because I was so inspired by the movie to express how I felt. Ok so the letter got to be like 3 pages long but hey it was something that had to be written. Then I put the letter in a box and mailed the box with a bunch of other stuff to someone special. I won't say who it's for because you might be reading this and I don't want to ruin the surprise :D

Sunday I cranked out my univariate assignment really quickly because I was sick of homework at that point seeing as I wrote my Theory paper ALL week last week. I'm so over my assignments. Love the classes. Hate the homework.

Spring break is coming up in three weeks and midterms are up in two. I'm going to Philly to visit Swigman and live with her for the week. I think I mentioned that in the last post but just as a reminder. The week has only begun so I'll be sure to let you know how the rest goes. Laters!

my smile goes from NY to Australia

My day has been absolutely amazing so far. I woke up and was all grouchy because I was sleep deprived and stress-sick and was basically just exhausted. So I dragged my butt out of bed and got dressed for riding. Keep in mind that I hadn't eaten since 2:00pm Thursday afternoon. Before that I hadn't eaten since 9:00am Wednesday morning. I was too stressed to eat. So moving on.... I was tired and slightly hungry but more than anything my body and mind were just exhausted. I go to the barn after turning in my paper (YES IT'S DONE WITH!!!) and see who I'm riding. Lady Cate for my 12:00pm lesson. Great.... the laziest, brattiest, snippiest horse at the barn.... not to mention the hardest horse to canter in the history of ever!!! No one can canter that horse. She runs away with you, she doesn't move at all... there's just no winning with that horse. So Karen tells me that I'm not being punished, she is. Yea... Right... like I could punish this horse. I'm not aggressive enough to punish her! But whatever, no complaining, at least I'm riding. So after tacking her up and trotting around a little bit I'm feeling pretty good. Then Karen shouts, "drop your stirrups!!!" Man I thought I was gonna fall off my horse. In the middle of the lesson I started to feel a little dizzy, probably from the lack of food in my body. So I take a moment to stop and collect myself together. Then Karen yells "one, two, three, CANTER!" Low and behold, Lady Cate cantered PERFECTLY. She didn't break more than a couple times on the right lead and she didn't run away with me. Now I had to really hold my body together and keep her AND myself organized but I did it!!! I got the gold star for the day and the blue ribbon had that been a show. I got the gold starred blue ribbon! Everyone was impressed because, let's face it, Lady Cate's a pain to ride. I was so proud of myself.

When the lesson was over I got off and looked to see who I was supposed to ride next hour in Cindy's lesson. UGH!!!! Nicky G. He's the meanest horse to tack up. So much fun to ride but the meanest, nastiest horse to tack. He kicked me once and stepped on my foot while I tried to put his halter on. He also attempted to bite my shin when I was putting him on cross ties!!!! That damn horse made me soooo mad. I didn't have the energy to put up with him so I punched him as hard as I possibly could in the stomach and he mellowed out. Then I rode him and had a fairly decent ride but my legs are definitely going to hurt tomorrow.

Then I decided to go to Dunkin' Donuts for lunch. I got a ham and swiss flat (delicious sandwich. highly recommended if you're ever looking for a light lunch at 3 in the afternoon). I also went grocery shopping so that I could continue to eat now that my stress from the week is going away. ICE CREAM!!!!! was at the top of my list :) I bought a few snacks and then of course I got my usual sandwich making things for quick bites when I'm running late for class. Hopefully I don't get too stressed out on my next few assignments.

I have 3 weeks until Spring break and 4 assignments before I go on break. I managed to get in touch with Swigman and will be visiting her at her home for a week :) No worries Aussies. We will be taking heaps of pics and tagging you in them so it'll be just like second semester '09 :D Btw Sorry for being so short-fused lately. The stress gets to me. I'll be talking to you more often now that I'm not as stressed out. Thanks for being so patient with me. Not even just the Aussies but all of you who have been so understanding of my craziness. I honestly don't know what I would do without all of you there encouraging me every day that I can pull through this semester. LOTS OF LOVE!!!!! Xx <3 until I update you again..... Laters!

I confuse myself

It's a wonder how all my friends are still my friends. Last week I was given my paper assignment for Social Theory. We hadn't covered a lot of the readings that were assigned and the topic was INCREDIBLY vague. This paper is our first one so it's important to do fairly well on it, aside from the fact that it's 20% of our final grade. So of course, the entire class is freaking out being like "what are we supposed to write about?!" "how are we supposed to use the readings we didn't cover in class?!" blah blah blah. Now you all know me and how ridiculous my stress level can get over the tiniest thing. If 14 other students in the class are stressing over the paper.... where do you think my stress level was?? On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the stress level where I cry every night, I was at about 13. I wanted to work on my paper over the weekend but I had a horse show (which added to my stress). I also couldn't start it without knowing what the topic was. I emailed the professor and apparently I was starting my paper too early. WHAT KIND OF PROFESSOR TELLS A STUDENT THAT SHE'S STARTING A PAPER TOO EARLY WHEN IT'S DUE IN 7 DAYS?!?!?! That only freaked me out more. So finally when Monday came around, I had already been crying every night for about 3 days straight, I went to class and demanded that we discuss the paper. Everyone else was like "YES PLEASE!!!" Made me feel so much better that I wasn't the only one stressing the paper... maybe the only one stressing at a level 13 but still, I wasn't alone. So after we discussed the paper and got all questions out of the way and covered more material in a paper-oriented fashion, I felt like a garage had been lifted off me. There was still a house on me at least the garage was no longer suffocating me. I went home Monday night and sat and tried to work on my paper. I got about 200 words written in two hours. FML the stress was back. If it was going to take me an hour to write 100 words on average, I was gonna need 20 hours to write the whole paper. I didn't have that kind of time! Tuesday came around and I wrote a little more but not too much. Then today my brain woke up and I started to write quicker and with more intent. I managed to write 600 words in the span of two hours giving me a total of 800 before I had to go to class. My stress level had dropped so quickly you would've thought that you were staring at thermometer in a freezer freshly transported from a pot of boiling water!! I don't know why I stressed so much. I always manage to get my work done in time even with all my activities. So basically I got sick from stress and worried my friends for no reason. I'm so sorry you guys!! I'm currently finishing up my rough draft tonight and have all of tomorrow to edit it. I am eating again now that I'm not so stressed. I have one more assignment due this month but that one is a joke. It's basically proving you can use microcase to a teacher who ends a statistician story with "he took a revolver and shot all three chimps in his friends home." Yea don't ask me I have no idea what he was talking about either. There's a horse show coming up on Sunday at Cornell. I'm not showing but I wanna shout out to my teammates who are. Good luck ladies!! Get a perfect score card :) There really isn't much else for me to update you on except that job hunting sucks. Well rephrase.... job hunting when the economy is down sucks. I wanna especially send a shout out to Justin for being so patient with me. I know I freak out way too easily but I promise, no more unhealthy habits and no more crying when we talk. Well I promise no more of that to the best of my ability. I hate having such drastic mood swings. I think I should be diagnosed as mildly bipolar. At least then I'll have an excuse to all the emotional trips I've been taking while at Skidmore ALONE *coughcough Raisa ;P I miss you Biscuit E!! On a random but kinda funny note: My tan lines used to glow in black light. But now that my tan lines are gone... will my entire body glow?? Food for thought :P I'm so pale it's disgusting. My hair is dark and my skin is fair... can we say ASIAN?!?! haha anyways it's back to the word processor for me. Thanks for checking back and I'll be sure to update you soon :) Laters!