Greetings from the 808

Hey everyone!! Exciting news :D I got home safely.... AND on the same day I left. This is one of the first times I've gotten home when I was supposed to!! The flights were close together and I got to the gate just as they were boarding and on the last flight I literally got there as they were calling final call. PHEW!! What a close one :P But hey I made it all and I'm home at last. Granted I'm jet lagged and I have been up for the last half hour.... it's 6:22 am.... LAME!!

Agenda today:
*Lie out by the pool to try and get some color in my skin again.
*Pilates
*Work at the arena at the UH men's basketball game (Come visit me!!)

Tomorrow is Christmas eve and I'm so excited!! I get to meet Ryden, my cousin's baby. And then we're into Christmas and New Year's and before you know it, I'll be headed out to DC!! I can't wait to get out of this house again. It's crazy crowded and WAY too hard to clean because we just have too much stuff. *Sigh* Welcome home... haha It's so hot here. But that's what you get when you come home to Hawaii for winter break. Well I don't really have much else to share with you... So happy holidays everyone!! I'll be sure to update you if/when things come up. Until then... Laters!

Bored at work

Hey everyone!! I'm bored at work again.... So here's my random thought process as it comes to me:

It's officially the first day of study days and I have yet to figure out what to do with my time. I have my senior sem paper to finish but the second draft is already being edited and I'm just waiting on the comments so that I can revise it.

It's really warm out and I seriously think it's colder in the office than outside.

My boss sent me this link: http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/8014921/ In case anyone was interested in what I do at my job.... I research case hearings such as these :P

I have to go get a video off a VHS and put it onto the hard drive... I didn't know that video tapes still existed :P

Yesterday the house hung out with Chris... it was HILARIOUS!! Apparently our house is the most hospitable house he's visited. Not our fault we just wanted to get rid of our alcohol and food haha.

I made pancakes this morning :D It was amazing. I can't wait to go home and eat pizza quesadillas :) And then go babysit for another $20. Excited!!

Speaking of money... Pay day is Friday!!!!

OK I think that's all I have to say for now. I'll probably update you again soon. Until then... Laters!

Happy end of classes everyone!!

Yesterday was the end of the classes and it was an amazing night. I went out to Karen's house and had a few laughs then I went to my glowsticking performance for the Drastics. That was SOOO much fun!!!! I whacked myself a couple of times but it wasn't too bad. Then I came home and had a pina colada, an cranberry orange juice/vodka mix, AND a White Russian. It was an amazing night. I ended up watching Raise Your Voice and Eight Below with Maria. Raisa was in and out of the house. I also drunk dialed Tony Stark and texted J3 and Fink all night :) It was great. I ended up going to bed around 3.

This morning I went to see Love and Other Drugs. It was AWESOME!! I loved the movie so much. Everyone should see it. Then I came home and had a glass of wine with dinner... yes I am typing this update on one glass of wine... yes I am red in the face and slightly slower... welcome to the end of classes before study days!!

Tomorrow is the holiday party event for athletes to run the day care portion :) I love this event!! It's so cute to see them get all excited to be there while their parents are at the holiday party. The riding team will be working with the basketball and lacrosse teams. I also have to get some work done :/ LAME!! I have a paper due Tuesday and I wanna do some workshops up at South High before I leave. I also HAVE to work as much as possible before I leave. I can't wait to get paid next week :D Damn, I actually have kind of a lot to do. Weird. I didn't think I had that much to do. Oh well... There's TONS of time to get everything done. I don't really have anything else to update you all on so I guess the next time I update you will be when I'm home. Until then... Laters!

Weekend Successes

This weekend was a busy one! Here are some high/low lights :)

Friday: I went to the dentist and got my teeth all prettied up.... too bad I'm still in braces. But soon enough, I will have a pretty smile. Of course that does NOT mean that I will have real teeth.... my teeth are so weak that I'm SUPER prone to cavities :( Not my fault but it's def not fair!! I take really good care of my teeth!! At the end of the day it was night time for the HOCKEY GAME!!!!! It was such a great game!! 1000 people showed and we all cheered our hardest. I lost my voice that night haha Skidmore ended up winning 7-6 against Bowdoin in OT. SUCH A GREAT GAME!!!!!! hahaha It was a pretty exciting start to the most exhausting weekend of the semester.

Saturday: In the early evening I went to help out with conflict coaching training. That was pretty fun. The group learned a lot in the 3 hours we were together and I would put my faith into them to coach me through a conflict :) Good job Fight Club!! Then it was time to get home and get dressed for Jr Ring. I had the BEST time at Jr Ring. I dressed up and played mine field/land mines with Maria and Raisa. We all had a blast. Then Raisa and I left for the ball while Maria stayed home (she doesn't like dancing or going out much). The ball was Disney themed and surprisingly it was really tame for the Jr Ring event. I lost Raisa a ways in and ended up hanging out with a few SkidBros who I've made friends with over the years. I found a few riding teammates but ultimately ended up having Hockey Boy (yes this is what I call him) walk me back home. On the way back to Nwoods we ran into a bunch of other people I had never talked to before so I made some new friends (most were baseball boys and their following girls). Raisa and Anisha had already made it back so it was all good.

Sunday: I woke up MAJORLY sore. Note to self... don't go all out at a dance if you haven't danced in months... TERRIBLE IDEA!!!! lol. I got started on my presentation preparations after accompanying someone back home.... *note: this was not my walk of shame.... it was someone else's who needed a ride home and I'm the only one with a car in our house. Anyway :P I worked on my presentation and paper for Senior Sem all day and all night until about 10, then I went to bed. It was a stressful night because I was so nervous for my presentation!! At one point I was so exhausted that I walked straight into a wall. It was awful lol. The up side was that I got it all done before 10 and was able to get some sleep last night.

Today: I gave my presentation for Senior Sem and it went alright. I uploaded the wrong version of my powerpoint so that was pretty crap. But it's not graded so it's OK. I'm still pretty pissed about it :/ I'm also losing feeling in my feet from my heels I decided to wear today :( Stupid idea to wear heels when it's snowing (yes I admit I knew that it would snow when I decided to wear the heels but they're just so pretty)!!

So that's the end of my update for this weekend. There's a hockey game on tomorrow. Anyone wanna go?? Even if it's just for a period or two?? I really wanna go but it's on a Tuesday at 7, and I have breakbeats at 9. Does anyone wanna go... PLEASE??? I'm pretty excited for my semester to be coming to an end but in all honesty this has been one of my more tame semesters. Probably because I haven't gone out much :/ What ever, you win some you lose some right?? Next semester I'll take advantage of my free schedule by going to ALLLL the home games for Hockey, Lax, and Baseball :) Who wants to go with me?? Lol well, that's all I have to update you on. I'll be sure to update you about my end of classes weekend :D Until then... Laters!

Busy Busy Me

Wow, being at work on a Friday afternoon is significantly more quiet than being here on a Monday afternoon or a Tuesday/Thursday morning. So I'm going to use this time to update my blog a little more thoroughly than I did yesterday. So here's the scoop:

For spring break I was supposed to drive from NY to OR/WA and back. But someone, who shall remain nameless, bailed on me. So I had to find either someone else to drive with, or something else to do altogether. I asked Jen but her parents were hesitant since she's leaving for Japan for the semester. For the first time fate has actually been kind to me!! I reconnected with Jeremy aka Fink. We've been talking since Monday and I mentioned that I had nothing to do for spring break. He suggested I visit him in San Francisco. Not a bad idea!! I really miss him and all the crazy times we had in Education class. We (the class not just us) used to draw in my notebook and I still have that collage of doodles lol. He used to play this game where he spun a pen and who ever it landed on had to do things. Once he said, "Who ever this pen lands on has to make out with me." Of course it lands on me!! Go figure. It's not like I bought into it or anything, it was just something that we bonded over because it was a funny incident. Another funny incident we bonded over was the fact that we both studied abroad in Australia (different years and cities though) and we had actually met my freshman year-his sophomore year-we just didn't really remember it because it was embarrassing for me haha. Anyway, now I have a new plan for spring break: fly to SF, stay with him for a couple days, then drive up to OR/WA with my sister/parents/all three. Then I fly back to school, they fly home and I will have gotten to see my not so long lost friend :) OK I know some of you must be thinking that it's sick that my ex who I was so desperately in love with and this new guy are both named Jeremy.... but in all honesty... Fink came before J3. I turned down the Skidmore Jeremy so that things with the Oregon Jeremy could happen. I'm not saying that I want things to happen long term with the Skidmore Jeremy now, I'm just filling you in on the history. I'm finally over J3 and enjoying life as a single woman (mildly) so I doubt I'll let a guy get me all upset and depressed for a while. At least not until I'm ready to get back into a relationship. I'm not gonna lie though... Skidmore Jeremy is so attractive!! :P

Moving on: Tonight I'm going to a hockey game :D Yes yes I know, "ME?!?!? GOING TO A HOCKEY GAME?!?!" I actually like the sporting atmosphere, I just never have anyone to go with, so I just don't go. But I have a friend to go with tonight :D YAY!! Also, hockey guys are hot... ergo I'm going for the hot hockey guys :P
Tomorrow I have conflict coaching training (I'm already trained but I wanna go help out with the training). That should be fairly fun seeing as Nick is running it. He's so passionate about this, it's amazing. Then at night it's Jr Ring!!! For those of you who don't know what Jr Ring is, it's Skidmore's Winter ball. This year the theme is DISNEY!!!!! Seriously, it's like made for me!! Normally I wouldn't go, but it's my last year and it's Disney. I HAVE to go.
Lastly, Monday is my presentation for Senior Sem!!!!! remember all those posts where I'm bit*hing about it?? Yea it's finally all going to pay off. I present at 10:10 about the restorative justice process on college campuses. SO STOKED!!!! I can't wait. I'm so nervous about it though. I'm not generally a nervous presenter but it's something I've been working on for so long that I'm just like wth am I even looking at anymore?!?! I sent a draft to my family to look over because I was supposed to but I have a feeling that it may actually help. Idk we'll see.

Other news.... It's finally down to high 30s this week. It was weird when it was December and 56 degrees and RAINING!!!! I played in the rain of course :) I think that's all I can think of now.... BTW people should follow me on twitter @vixey_gurl808. For now I'm out but I'll let you know how the weekend turns out!! Until then... Laters.

Super Quick Update

Hey everyone so here's my stressful news in less than 10 minutes:

I went to the dentist this morning. I brush my teeth twice a day, floss, and use mouth wash.... EVERY DAY!!!!! But of course, I have weak enamel and acidic saliva (more acidic than the average person) so I have 5 cavities. I didn't even know I had teeth left to have cavities in!! Apparently my molars have deeper grooves than other peoples so even though I'm doing all I can to prevent cavities, it won't help me any. So basically it's all a waste of my time because no matter what I do, I'm still never going to be able to go to the dentist and leave without having to make another appointment for later that week. FML. Just once, I want to have a beautiful smile.... but NOOOOOO I have too many problems with my teeth!!!!!!!

Tonight I have to finish up the group paper for Prejudice and Xenophobia because basically I have higher expectations for this class than everyone else except maybe Emily. We're both in Senior Sem and expect this paper to look like the one we've been working on for Senior Sem even though that's really not going to happen. So far this paper is half the length of my other paper, has no control variable, and has been worked on for literally a week total. Again, FML!!!

Tomorrow I have to go get my cavities filled which is taking me away from work.... AGAIN!! I also have to go to a stupid pointless unnecessary meeting for SO377 for next semester... Why couldn't we just have it during class?! Then I wouldn't have to leave work, go to the dentist, and then rush back for this stupid meeting?? UGH.... I hate this week. It's rapidly turning into the worst, most stressful week of the semester and it's already Thursday!! AHHHHHHHHH

Well on the plus side, the phrase work hard party hard is going to actually pertain to me for once. I'm going to a hockey game tomorrow because I finally found a friend to go with.... Granted she's a freshman and I'll be going with a group of Freshman girls but hey going with them is better than missing out on some fun. Also Jr Ring is Saturday and I can't wait. The theme is Disney and this is the last winter formal I'll get to go to for the rest of my life unless I wanna be a creeper and go to one when I'm old (NO THANKS). I didn't go to JR ring my sophomore or junior year so I guess this is a nice full circle way to end my time at Skidmore. I wish I had a date though :/ Jeremy aka fink (Not J3 my ex, a different Jeremy) would have been my date if he were here, but no he graduated... LAME!! oh well. I might be visiting him for spring break btw :) but more on that later. Now I have to run to class. Until then... Laters!

Happy Holidays everyone!!

OK first of all I would like everyone to welcome Grandpa Moose to my blog.... he just learned I had one and now he reads it :) Welcome GM.

Second: here's what happened since the last post....
Saturday: The Skidmore home show was on the 20th and I didn't do well at all. I placed fourth. This is the first (and hopefully last) time I ever place that low. But on the plus side, I'm officially an Advanced WTC rider. EXCITING!! Although, that means that I HAVE to work extra super duper ridiculously hard before the next show in February. Needless to say I was pretty upset about this all week... which sucks seeing as it was Thanksgiving break from Wednesday to today.
Sunday: Q and Lily came up for a visit :D We all missed them soooo much!!!! I wanted to cry when they left :'( Hurry back soon you two!! Q taught and Lily assisted as usual and the dance they taught is HOT!!! Man I miss them so much.
Monday and Tuesday: School as usual. I pretty much didn't do anything new except work a little longer so that I could make more money (now I'm not really sure what I'm saving for since Spring Break is kind of a bust).
Wednesday: I woke up and drove to Albany to drop Jen off at the airport. Thank God for the Elvis Duran and the Morning Show. If I didn't have that show to listen to, I probably wouldn't have wanted to drive back. Then I went to the barn and rode THREE horses. Brownstone, Jimmy, and Belmont (!!)... you think I'm being punished for taking my leg off Charly at the show? Then I chilled at home for a while and learned how to crochet from a book.
Thursday: I woke up and went riding. I only rode two horses because I was sore. Clark and Belmont... again being punished!!!! Lol. Then I came home and relaxed. I got bored shortly there after and cleaned the twins' cage. I crocheted more just chilled.
Friday: MORE RIDING :) Clark and Nicky G. Then I cleaned the living room and kitchen.... you can't tell now but I did. haha
Saturday: Attempted to work and clean more and oh yea, got drunk from two shots!! I had a mixed drink with lunch and that was a bad idea. Then I hung out with Cay for a while (first time she hung out with me as much as she did!!) We made cupcakes and jello together :P I now have Christmas cupcakes in the fridge lol.
Today: Work work work work work... and I'm still not done... FML I don't wanna do any more work!!!!! I'm tired and lazy and just wanna be done with the semester.

I'm giving my Senior sem presentation on Dec. 6th and can't wait for the paper to be done with too. All my hard work will FINALLY be over with until next semester. Speaking of next semester, the person I was supposed to ride back from Oregon with on my spring break road trip bailed on me and now I don't have anyone to go with which means I can't go!! So all the money I'm saving up might just be put into the bank for a rainy day. Unless I can find some one else to go with for this road trip I'm gonna be stuck on campus by myself just like Thanksgiving... only this time, I won't have enough work to do to keep me busy :(

Speaking of keeping busy, I'll be back in the 808 for the holidays. You know what that means... BOOK YOUR ME TIME NOW!!! :D just kidding, but in all seriousness, my time is limited and I have so many people to see and so many things to do. So get in touch with me so we can plan something please!! I've officially decided that I'm NOT going to be anti social this break. This is a first, people, so take advantage of it :P

I don't think there's really anything else to update you on except the fact that I'm really not enjoying being single anymore... but that's a story for another time. Until then... Laters!

Where did the time go?!

I didn't even realize that it has been almost 3 weeks since I last updated this!! What the hell was I doing?! Ok so let's start from the beginning...
The beginning of November basically revolved around Breakbeats and Senior Sem. We had a million things to get done. There were two performances in one weekend (both of which went AWESOME-LY) and everything for Senior Sem continued to pile up. I had to write my literature review and edit my paper and write my findings.... it was a whole mess of writing and research that I almost got behind on but managed to hold myself together pretty well. As for Breakbeats, the awareness and demand for our team has finally built up to the point where we're getting asked to do shows almost every weekend. This past weekend only the glowstick spinners were requested!! How awesome is it that we now have three parts to our team that can perform individually from one another?? PRETTY DAMN AWESOME!! Remind me to tell you after I recap everything my decision for that team...
This past weekend we had a double horse show at Morrisville State College. This Equine center is amazing btw. I showed both days but before I get to how I did lemme just paint you a picture of how much I hated the week preparing for it. I was yelled at all week long for looking weak on horses that I had never ridden before. OK yes, it's exciting that I'm being put on new ponies because that means I'm getting more advanced and Cindy trusts me to experiment with horses I have no past with. But at the same time, you can't just throw someone on a new horse and then expect them not to screw up!! I was stressing out all week and crying almost every night because I was so fed up with her making me feel like I'm not good enough to be on the team. I wanted to quit riding on Thursday night after I self assessed my readiness for Morrisville. Anyway, I went to Breakbeats and they made me feel better about myself and then Friday I had my glowsticking performance, which was fun. Then I showed on Saturday and was in a class with really good riders. Cindy said that they all looked like they should've been in Advanced WTC (I'm currently in beginners). So when they announced that I had won third place I was pretty pissed. The team won by 15 point though so I wasn't entirely mad, I mean a team victory still means a victory regardless of how I placed. Sunday I woke up feeling better about myself and more determined than I had EVER been before to win a blue ribbon.... I wanted that blue ribbon more than anything!! So I watched my horse in the classes before mine and learned what I needed to do. Then I hopped on, talked to him, and asked him to PLEASE make me look good so I could win. And guess what.... I WON MY BLUE RIBBON!!!! Now I'm only 2 points away from becoming an advanced WTC :)

There's a home show this Saturday and I don't think I'm showing since I only have 2 points left. Nevertheless I will be handling a horse and proud to be supporting my team from the sidelines (I really wanna be ribbon girl so hopefully I get a jumping horse to handle). This Friday Breakbeats is double booked for ISU and Stompin Soles. Unfortunately because of the show on Saturday and the fact that I have to be working by 6am, I won't be able to perform... The shows are at 7pm and 9pm. If I have to be up super early, I'm going to be super early... aka no performance :(

Now here's for my news about my decision with Breakbeats: I've decided to make the transition from performer to organizer. OK organizer isn't the best way to put it but more like eagle eye. I'll go to all the practices and dance with my team but when it comes to performances I will be the one to step out and make sure that the spacing is all good and stuff like that. That way, no one who really wants to perform will have to do that to make sure that we all look good. That's the down fall to not having a director in the group... there are too many leaders and not enough followers. The other thing I hate about this group is that we try to put EVERYONE in EVERYTHING. When I suggest that some people not be in certain dances they get all tense and try to make it work with everyone dancing. It's not that big of a deal to step out of one performance and do another. But whatever, I'm over it and I will not be performing for the rest of the year, except for glowsticks since there are only three of us who know how to do it and one is going abroad next semester. I'll still choreograph of course but you know, if no one else will step out of performances to make room on the stage, then I'll do it. That's my big decision that I've been struggling with since the beginning of the year.

Now that I've caught you all up on what's been going on, here's something else that I figured everyone should be in the know... My mom's cousin, Colleen Hanabusa, is the new congresswoman representative from Hawaii!!!!!!! WUT WUT?!?! We're all so very proud of her and she totally deserves it. You know what that means?? I get to go with the fam to DC for her induction ceremony thing. HOW AWESOME IS THAT?! On top of that great news, my cousin just had her baby recently :) Baby Ryden is now a member of our crazy family. Congrats Bliss and Ryan!! I can't wait to come home and meet Ryden. Another exciting baby story... my supervisor, Michelle, just had her baby at the beginning of this month as well :) Baby Ryan Nicholas is now a member of the office family!! So many new souls being brought into this world. How cool!! Congrats Michelle, but hurry back, the office is lonely without you!!

I think that's all that I needed to catch you up on. If I left anything out, like my crazy work and school lives, I'll be sure to update you after the horse show. After all, Thanksgiving is just next week and I have PLENTY of free time during break to fill you in on everything. Until then... Laters!

Happy Halloween

I don't really know when this animosity for Halloween appeared but for some reason I cannot stand Halloween. I think it was a combination of the following:

Moorebid Ball being the biggest, most ridiculous, most annoying event of the year
Drunk/high/stoned college students taking advantage of a clothing optional campus
Drunk/high/stoned college students yelling at 4 in the morning waking me up
Having to go out and buy a costume
Having people judge me for not being original (I really don't care if I'm original or not if that's what I want to be)
Scary movies being played on TV so I can't watch anything without screaming, jumping, or not going to bed at night

Is it so wrong to want to spend Halloween night at home watching a movie that doesn't make me scared to go to the bathroom??

This year was the first year I handed out candy to children. That was the highlight of my life!! I'm NEVER going trick-or-treating ever again because my post, is at the door. The sKiddies were soooooo adorable in their costumes and to see the parents have fun taking their kids around was just as much fun to watch as actually going trick-or-treating myself. I want to be the one who gives kids candy on Halloween.... there's where my fun happens!!

Today during senior sem the ECC/Greenburg kids (idk which group it was) came through Tisch trick-or-treating at the department offices. All of our class went out into the hall to see them. They were SOOOOOOO CUTE!!!!!!!!! I wanted to steal them away haha... relax, I didn't. Then when they were gone we proceeded to analyze the costume variations in a sociological manner (can you tell we didn't want to talk about bivariate analyses of senior sem projects anymore??) We concluded that there was too much gender bias in every child's costume since all the girls were in some kind of dress or skirt and the boys were all in super hero-like costumes. There was not much of a variation so they would not have been a good data set for a senior sem project. We all agreed however that the chicken costume was the winner of all hearts even though the child was in the costume without informed consent and therefore the ethics of such an act was not OK for data analysis... yes, we have all lost our minds from this stupid senior seminar!!!!! EVERYTHING is seen in a sociological way and this is causing us not to function as normal human beings anymore. HELP!!!!!

So the conclusion to my story is that I hate Halloween (probably just hate it at Skidmore) and really wish people would stop inviting me to Halloween parties via facebook because I'm just not going to go to any of them. Besides, I still have to finish my grad school apps, my bivariate analysis write up, my literature review, and my multivariate table for my powerpoint. Weekends are the only time I have to do my homework... So please let me do it!!

Some time this weekend I am also going to keep working on my spring break road trip options. I'm driving from New York to Oregon and back in 8.5 days :) SO EXCITED!!!! This will be the only crazy thing I ever do in college. I really didn't take advantage of being an undergraduate student... mainly because the people I'm friends with don't typically have the money to spend on crazy adventures. I haven't done anything like snowboard or ski during my time at Skidmore and I still don't know how to ride a bike... Not exactly the craziest goals to have as an undergrad but still.... most people do it while they're at college so I apparently missed out. According to the Goals survey and data analysis, athletes are less likely to participate in social events on campus than non-athletes. The figure is statistically significant with a moderate but positive relationship. Oh dear lord!! I need to stop looking at senior seminar projects before my entire world turns into one big senior seminar project. Bleh!! OK I'm going to stop now. I'll be sure to update you about what's going on with my conflict resolution workshops (we're working to get a weekly program running... I don't remember if I already mentioned that). How cool would that look on my resume?? Anyways.... yea... so until then... Laters!

Promised update

Hey everyone!! As I promised here is your update from this weekend.

Friday: I gave my workshop and it went really well. We have one more this coming Wednesday and we hope we can iron out a few bugs that we had with our workshop. Then I went to go take senior portraits. From what I could see on his camera screen they came out pretty nice. I have braces so of course that always makes me feel a little more insecure of my smile but everyone at Falstaff's said that I looked perfect.... we shall see when the proofs come in. Then I went to the barn to set up the ring for the show on Saturday. That was fun because Cindy was actually in a good mood. Then I went grocery shopping and did a little homework all before going to bed. I was in bed by 10 and knocked out by 10:30. Yay exhaustion :P

Saturday: 4:30am I wake up thinking I'm late. I look at my phone cry a little inside because I could have slept for another hour... but what ever I just get up anyway. I eat breakfast and get my things together and then Julia came and picked me up. 6:45am we're at the barn ready to work. I handled Junior--the HANDSOMEST pony I've ever handled... too bad he doesn't stand still. Then around 9 the show started and everything fell into place from there. I drew Brownstone--aka the horse that bucked me off and landed me in the hospital on the first day of lessons. We've had a special bond ever since then. Regardless, I rode as best I could and placed second. Not bad for my first time showing but not quite as satisfying as winning. Needless to say our team won with a PERFECT SCORE CARD :) We rock, Skidmore Equestrian Team!! Then I went home and ate lasagna--Raisa made it and it was HEAVENLY!! It only lasted us like a day and a half... if that!! Lol Then I h0pped on skype and talked with Grandpa Moose for 5 hours :) It was the best conversation I've held with someone because I haven't seen him in a year so we had a lot to catch up on. Both serious issues and jokes brought us closer than we had ever been. We have another session reserved for Thanksgiving... Grandpa Moose, good luck with your tests this week and with your conflicts we discussed :D I miss you and want my gingerbread cookies when I come home!!

Sunday: I woke up and went to the barn to walk my pony. He was excited I had treats for him and loved me for it. Then I came home around 11am and went straight to Senior Sem work. I literally worked on my univariate findings for 3 hours before settling on how to write it. Next I have to write up my theory section and do my theory powerpoint slide. I had done my bivariate slide before hand so that was one less thing I had to worry about. Of course my literature review is supposed to be growing as time passes but honestly, I'm stuck. I haven't worked on it since the last time we turned something in... which was only last week but still. I texted in my absence from practice, as I said I would in the last post. It was nice to get some work done and feel completely freaked about all the work I had on my calendar. Then around 3 I got a text from Jeremy, which was nice because I hadn't heard from him in a couple of days.... Last time I really talked to him was a while ago (I can't even remember specifically when). We continued to chat via text so that I could still get my work done at the same time. Then at 5pm the faculty and staff children came trick-or-treating to Northwoods and Scribner village apartments. Their costumes were pretty creative, I must admit. The first knock on our door was one of the trainer's sons and it was his first time trick-or-treating. He was cookie monster with a cookie bag for candy!!! How adorable is that?!?! I wanted to steal him :) I threw my lion blanket on and said I was a lion as I was handing out candy lol. Sad but I didn't want to dress up. It was my first time handing out candy!! I'm growing up :P Our house bonded together over the cute little kids who had really fancy (and weird and cute and everything else) costumes. Then we worked on homework a little more and by 10 everyone was in their rooms working. I was planning on going to bed but Jeremy kept me up because we felt that we should play catch up. So at 11:30pm I hopped on skype and we chatted for a few hours. I was able to coach him through a conflict as much as I could so now I can do my conflict coaching write up lol. Sorry J3, I'm using you for my advancement in my class and job :P I hope I at least helped :/ It was nice to see you and talk to you again.

So now I'm here on Monday afternoon writing to you. I have to get going to work pretty soon but please if anyone has any conflicts they would like coaching through or if a mediation is necessary, PLEASE come to me, I could use the practice!! Fight club has me at in-take hours from 1-4:30 on Mondays and 8:30-11:00 on Tuesdays and Thursdays. So please use me as a resource. The process is voluntary and confidential and I will be neutral. It's a great experience to partake in!! Hope to hear from you soon!! Until then... Laters!

Stress with a smile

Hey everyone. I know I haven't been keeping you as updated as I said I would but I mean really, I'm having trouble catching my breath, let alone finding time to sit and cry. So here's a brief update: GREs sucked and I failed miserably at them (looks like I'm not going to UPS, c'mon OSU... Accept me please!!); Big Top was pretty awesome even though I couldn't perform in it because of my injury... the lights didn't go out for the glowstick section, which sucked, but we still killed it; and since my back injury I've still be dancing and riding like normal, I just don't show anyone how weak I am by letting them know I feel pain.

Coming up:Tomorrow is a study day, which in Skidmore terms means get drunk in the AM and party until you hurt. I, fortunately, have three excuses as to why I will not be participating in it (so don't even bother asking or calling me up to find out what I'm doing!!).

1. I have to give a conflict resolution workshop up at Glens Falls High School from 10am to 1pm. I have been working so incredibly hard on this workshop with a chick who needs to learn to keep her damn mouth shut. Literally everything I say as an idea for what to do in the workshop, she replies with "that's not a very strong idea." When I say, "well what would you like to do then?" She replies with, "I don't really care. I'm just doing this because we have to. You can create what ever curriculum you want." So I met with our other group member and we created the WHOLE curriculum AND I typed it up so that we could just give it to her so she knew what we were doing. Her response, "why couldn't I contribute to it?" WTF?!?! I've been trying soooooooo hard not to yell at her. UGH!! Regardless of what she did or did not contribute, we are traveling up to Glens Falls tomorrow to present our workshop (that I worked on for three weeks) to high school freshmen.

2. I have a horse show to prepare for. We are all supposed to go to the barn and help clean tack or horses or the ring itself. I'm helping to set up the ring. I have six assignments due on either Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday, which means that I can't attend the preshow dinner. This also means that I'm ditching out on another team event because of school... LAME!! I've been thrown from a twice this semester, I've lost feeling in my left foot, and I have messed up my back. Yet somehow I'm still showing on Saturday. Cindy must be desperate.

3. The horse show itself. Athletes are not allowed to drink or party 72 hours before a game/match/show. That's the official rule that almost no athlete follows. However, I do. Not to mention that I have to be up and working at the barn by 6:30am on a Saturday. I can't stay up past 10pm unless I'm at Breakbeats practice, which we don't have on Fridays for good reason. I'm struggling to stay up and type this post as it is. My body hurts, I'm exhausted, I want to cry but don't have the energy to. I really just want to freeze time for a day. I want a day to sit and do nothing. Have nothing due the next day, have no dance practice, no equestrian practice, no show, no test to prepare for..... NOTHING. I don't have very good stamina. I just can't do it.

So there are the three excuses... In other news, I wish I had a separate email address that I used for the STARR project/my job. I get 32 emails a day and if I don't check it constantly it fills up and I have to respond to all of them at once. I constantly move emails that don't say STARR in the subject line into another folder and then forget to read them and then completely screw everyone over for not reading it. Today I found out that I can't vote because I didn't mail in something that I was supposed to have mailed in like a month ago because it was in an email I didn't read!! I haven't ever voted before so I didn't understand what I was supposed to do. I thought the absentee ballot was the email I got not the application to get the absentee ballot. EFF EMM ELLE!!!!! Apparently I now need to add "talk to family members" on my to do list so that I don't completely forget that I have family members. Today someone asked me how's your cousin doing (because she's pregnant and the person asking me was pregnant) and I literally looked at her and asked, "What cousin??" I was legit so confused!! I seriously don't talk to anyone about anything other than school or team stuff. This is messed up!! I need to give something up this semester or else I'm going to suffocate myself.

So here's the deal... I can't give up equestrian because... well let's face it, it's just not an option unless I'm physically dying or literally failing a class (which I can't do either). I can't give up any classes because it's already the middle of the semester and a drop would say something on my transcript, which I need to look pretty for grad school applications (F*** that reminds me, I didn't fill those out yet). I could theoretically give up Breakbeats but that's like saying I could give up dessert after I eat my vegetables.... I don't see that realistically happening. I could give up fight club for a little while, just until I get my feet back on the ground (which I may have to do). I can't give up work because it's important to my future, my senior sem project, and, well, me.

Giving up fight club will give me an hour of my Wednesday night back to me. Giving up a Sunday practice and maybe a Tuesday practice every now and then for Breakbeats will give me about 5 hours to add to homework time. Giving up my Thursday practices for equestrian will give me an hour and a half. IF I give up all these activities, I should be able to eat and sleep. As of right now I'm going off of 10 meals a week. I manage to squeeze in an 11th when I eat a hot pocket on my way to practice on Thursdays. I can't eat lunch because I'm in classes all day and I tend to sleep through my alarm so I run out the door for class without breakfast. This semester will basically be the death of me. But that's OK because next semester I will have 12 credits, one academic class, and another class that ends in the middle of the semester. So this is my veggie time, next semester is my dessert. Well it better be since I have enough credits and all my requirements fulfilled for graduation. I will technically be graduated this semester. HELLZ TO THE YAY-YEA!!

Ok it's officially past 11pm and I have yet to stay up past 11:30 this semester. So I'm gonna head off to sleep so that I'm not exhausted for my workshop tomorrow. To the Skidmore friends I have left: I'm sorry you haven't seen me this semester unless you're in a class with me or on a team I'm on. When you become a senior you'll understand. To my family: I swear I'll read all of the emails you've been sending me once I'm done with my senior project on the 16th of December. If it's something that's uber importante you should probably send it multiple times until I respond with "OK it's done, thanks." To all the other random people who read this: I'll get better about writing in this blog when I get through my semester of stress, which I cover up really well with a smile that says, "my teeth hurt and a smile is all I can manage to do right now." I'll write a short post about how the show goes just so you know... but until then... Laters!

I love Mondays

I know this sounds weird but seriously... Mondays are my favorite days of the week. This is the day that I wake up after having worked on Senior Sem work for 25 hours per weekend and feel relieved that I don't have to look at the assignment again until Friday. Then I get up and brush my teeth... you know get ready for my day. I go to Senior Sem Lab and work on my project. Then I go to Senior Sem Lecture (which I love so dearly because our class is becoming closer as a group and we have a common enemy to complain about) and finally Jazz class. Jazz class is literally the best class to have on Mondays. It wakes you up, gets you moving, and convinces you that you are awesome. It just makes you feel so good about yourself. Then I go to lunch and get ready for work. This is the day that I work from 1-4:30... another reason to LOVE Mondays. I get to work for 3 and half hours!! All the other days I just work 2 and a half or 1 and half. But Mondays... man-o-man I get to sit at my desk for 3 and half hours. Did I mention that I LOVE my job. I wish I could go back to the summer time when I was working from 10-4. It's amazing how happy I am after work.

Mondays also mark the start of the week that had worked so hard on the weekends to prepare for. I work Friday afternoons and nights, Saturday from when I wake up to when I go to sleep, AND Sunday nights on homework assignments for the week. I get ALL my work done for the entire week since I don't have time or energy to do anything during week days to do homework. So come Monday, I'm homework free until Friday. I can just focus on school and dance and riding all week.

The last reason I love Mondays so much is that I get to dress cute. Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, I have to dress in either dance clothes or riding clothes (LAME). Friday I get to dress cute as well but Friday marks that start of another hard weekend in which I struggle to finish my work before Monday. So Mondays are my favorite day of the week.

On Saturday I had a performance for an event called Hoopla. It was promoting healthy lifestyles and getting outdoors and stuff like that. Breakbeats performed and offered a 45 minute workshop. It was pretty awesome. Little kids dancing all over the place (so adorable) and loving us break dancing. I freestyled for the first time in my life. That was fun and I managed to get my confidence about freestyling up :) It was an awesome day until I realized that I had lost 12 hours in the day that I usually use to do work. So Sunday I had to sacrifice going to Breakbeats practice so that I could get my work done in time :(

I talked to J3 on Saturday as well and things are decent with us. I still feel awkward talking to him but we'll get through it (I hope). He's still convinced that he can get me to go backpacking with him. HAH as if. The closest I get to roughin' it is going to the beach house and sleeping outside in a hammock. I will NEVER do anything remotely close to what he does as a mountaineer. Blech... I shiver just thinking about it!!

Today I learned something about the possibilities for my Senior Sem project. I could go to a Sociology convention and present my topic!! It's in February so my project will have been completely done by that point. It's a weekend long expedition and we sleep 3 to a room... only problem is that I think it's during a horse show weekend. I have to talk to Cindy about the possibilities of doing it or if I have to not get my hopes up and say "sorry can't go." I also think that it's the weekend that my mom and aunty and possibly dad were going to come up to watch me ride. So if that's the case... Sorry can't go. My whole class got super excited about it but honestly it's a soc convention... in Philadelphia... how exciting can that be?? No offense to sociologists or Philly fans. It's just not my scene.

I'm don't really have much else to catch everyone up on except that I have lost 5 lbs from Pilates and I'm eating a salad like once a day :) Aren't you proud of me?? I'm feeling great about myself and loving having pain in my body from riding and dancing every day. I know it sounds masochistic but if you are an athlete or a dancer, you know what I mean. Anyways, I've gotta get going to work :D Update you soon!! Until then, laters.

Mandi called me out

I haven't been on in a while.... I've been SO incredibly busy with school starting up and love lives crashing down. Here's a pretty long summary of what's been going on.

The end of August really wasn't much to talk about. I basically went to the tracks for the first time, packed up my apartment, and got ready to move. Once August 31st showed it's pretty little face I hit the ground running and haven't stopped since.

I volunteered to help move Freshmen into their dorms on Sept 1st and 4th. Little did I know, Frosh chicks don't know the meaning of sharing a room. They all brought their entire houses and then some!!! HELLO PEOPLE, YOU'RE IN A TRIPLE... AKA DON'T BRING SO MUCH!! Anyway, I moved them in and got a nice work out from it. I gained about 13 new bruises from it because their boxes would continuously hit my arms in the same places and I looked pretty diseased from it haha. I had bruises on my hips and thighs as well because if I started to drop the boxes from tired arms, I would catch it with my thigh and then rest it on my hip like a mother would a child... only boxes have edges so they bruise like a child wouldn't. After I moved them in, I worked the Skidmazing Race.

September 5th was when the entire freshman class was on campus for the first time with their seminars and I was in charge of the Art stop. I had to sit and wait for the whole scavenger hunt to kick off and make sure they were at the right stop... blah blah blah. It was a long day that required me to run from the Skidmazing Race to rehearsal for the Freshman Showcase (the things I do for these Freshmen, I swear!). Breakbeats performed a HOT dance that consisted of Pockets Full of Money, Beggin, DJ Bruce, Glowsticking, and Freestyling. I was in every piece except DJ Bruce and Freestyling (because I'm not confident enough in my b-girl skills to perform it...YET. This year will be the year I learn more and perform :D). Needless to say, I was exhausted after having to constantly go go go the entire week. Did I mention it took me 7 days to finally get everything unpacked and put away?? Well with my schedule as busy as it was, I couldn't find time to do it all at once. So I would just unpack a handful of boxes every day until I was done.

September 7th School started and I learned that Senior Sem was gonna be the death of me. We have something due practically every Monday. But whatever, if it gets my thesis done, then so be it! I also identified Tuesdays and Thursdays as the days from Hell. Here's my schedule for T/TH:
8:30-11:00 Research Assistant
11:10-12:30 Ballet
12:40-2:00 Pilates
2:10-3:20 Riding
3:40-5:00 My only academic class
5:10-8:00 Do any and all hmwk for the next day as well as eat dinner and relax
8:30-11:00 Breakbeats practice

I'd say that that schedule will be get me in shape.... HAH it'll kill me before it gets me in shape.

Monday nights are my only free weeknights. I do most of my homework when I get off work at 4:30. Tuesday I can't keep myself thinking straight let alone do any work. Wednesday I have Fight Club (Conflict Resolution Club) meetings from 8-9. Thursday is the same as Tuesday. Friday I do any and all personal stuff that needs to be done i.e. grocery shopping, cleaning my room, laundry, etc. Saturday is homework day. Sunday I have Breakbeats from 12-4 and if any of my Jazz kids need extra help before class, they can contact me and meet me on Sunday. I think I've bitten off more than I can chew this semester. I haven't even added in riding practices yet!!! Cindy will kill me when she learns that I have yet again over committed myself.

Speaking of horses, remember the time I got bucked off my horse and landed on my head?? Oh yea, that was fun.

On a more positive note, my GRE vocab studying is going beautifully. I'm actually finding it a lot more enjoyable to do than my actual homework. GRE testing is on October 16th and I will be done with it after that... THANK GOD!! I actually feel somewhat prepared for it oddly enough :)

Now in the beginning of this entry I mentioned love lives crashing down... Well yes, tis the season for broken hearts and mine isn't the only one that's been broken (Gossip Girl influence anyone??). I've been coaching people through conflicts that mainly revolve around break ups. Since I've been going through this myself, I have some personal experience to share. Mine was and still is a rough break up. Special shout out to Moose and Tony Stark for texting me everyday to make sure I've got a smile on my face!! There's a lot going on that factors into when I will have the patience, emotional capacity, and time to figure it all out. Right now, I'm too busy with school and work (and dance and riding) to deal with stupid crap going on in my life. Too many people need my help and sometimes helping them helps me. I've let it get to me once or twice this month and I'm almost positive that it'll get to me a few more times until I learn to stop pushing it away and actually deal with it. *sigh* this is going to be a long semester.

Proud moment of the week: I managed to get an inverted hallow back!!!!! I can hold if for almost 10 seconds and I'm SO excited :) Next on the to do list would be swipes. Hey Jason, teach me please :D

Week three is almost done and I promise I will find time to update this blog more frequently... Hey without a bf in the picture I no longer have to worry about finding time for him... I'll just use his time to update this. OK enough with the broken hearted stories, I have to get to work. I'll be back soon. Until then... Laters!

Word of advice

NEVER fight with your bf/gf when you're in a long distance relationship. Especially if he/she has a low battery and is on the road and has no way of charging his/her phone until a couple days after you say things you regret. Take it from me.... I have personal experience in this matter. Jeremy has been on a road trip for the last two weeks (I think. The days have started to blur together). I barely get to talk to him because he's driving from national park to national park camping and being all... well... Jeremy (and by Jeremy I mean, outdoorsy and adventurous and IMPOSSIBLE to get in touch with). He calls me every so often just to say hi (which I requested because I wanna know that he's alive). But of course, he's camping in his car and at national parks so he doesn't have a way to charge his phone that often. So when he calls me the opening line is, "Hi babe, just so you know my phone is about to die." My response, "Of course it is. Where are you now?" Well, just so YOU know, I'm a girl, I have mood swings when it's that time of the month, and my tolerance level has hit maximum. So yes, I got irritated with him and snapped quite a bit. Right as I was about to take a deep breath and say I'm sorry, his phone dies. AWESOME. So now our conversation is in the middle of a fight and I have no way of contacting him for a couple days because he has no phone. I feel terrible about it, although I justify it with PMS and the fact that I miss him when I get to talk to him all the time (which is rarely). I want to apologize but can't... at least not for a little while. And by the time he gets home and is able to talk to me, I will be in school which means I won't have time to talk to him. So basically... we're both in over our heads and we know it. We knew it would be hard when we got into the relationship which is why we talked about it for 2 and a half months before actually getting into it, and now three months later, we think we won't make it. There are just too many obstacles for us to jump and duck. Is it even worth it any more?? We don't get to see each other, we don't get to talk, the only good thing about this (right now anyway) is that it gets guys to stop talking to me (which I'm loving btw. People finally started leaving me alone). I love Jeremy but it's just too hard... And those of you who know me, know that I like a challenge but hate to work hard. So I'm a contradiction in human form. We discussed the idea of relaxing our definition of relationship and maybe even dropping the title completely but we haven't yet come up with a solution... although I wouldn't be surprised if we broke up after this since I was kinda unreasonable (for which I still blame my female/PMS status).... who am I kidding?? I was a flat out B*TCH to him. I complained about how I don't get to talk to him that much and how I'm feeling like he isn't in it anymore.... I know I shouldn't have because he can't control when his phone battery dies and when he'll have time to talk to me and stuff... but still, even I'm entitled to a little attention right?? UGH bottom line... Be careful when you get mad because you never know when you'll be able to make it right again. Jeremy, I'm sorry!!!

In other news, I've been studying for GREs every day for an hour and so far I have learned the definitions of 232 frequently seen vocab words in the GREs (and how to use them in a sentence). Whoo hooo..... 568 words to go.... and then the math section. I can't really study how to write an essay since the topic is different every time and I have no way of knowing how those are graded. So I'm pretty much screwed... wait no... I'm... yea screwed would be a good way to look at it. This is just NOT my year. I'm gonna die. I think I need to drop 2/3 of breakbeats' practices since I just don't think I will have the energy for it. Although, if I'm not going 100% I may as well not go at all. What do you think?? All or nothing, or, do what I can do?? Personally I say all or nothing this semester and then see what happens next semester. But I'll leave that for you to help me with. Anyway, I have to get going to work... Half day today :/ And it's raining :\ Oh well. Update more soon. Until then... Laters!

I can't sleep

Not when I have something this good on my mind. I just had a conversation with Jeremy and it was a deep one at that. Here's what I learned:
I've always thought of my relationships as matches lighting a candle. Each guy gives me a match to light my candle. When I flirt, I'm striking a match. But you all who have played with matches knows that matches burn fast and you have to light what ever it is you're trying to light fast before the match burns out. Well that's always been the case. Sometimes I get into a relationship (aka light the candle) fast or the match (aka flirting) dies out and the candle never gets lit. Each guy only gets to give me one match to attempt to light the candle. Once the candle gets blown out by either of us, it's out. You can't relight a candle with a used match. Well, Jeremy was never really a player by the rules. He didn't hand me a match when we met, he gave me a lighter. I lit it and let it burn for a while infatuated with the idea that I didn't have to rush to get it to the candle. I could let it burn a lot longer than I could a match. So I did. I let it burn before I decided to release the trigger and let the flame go out. I hadn't realized it at the time but I used that same lighter to light the candle that now glows so brightly in my heart. This element of fire has used spirit to survive all the other elements that have been thrown at it. First was water from all the tears we cried together. Then was wind from the harsh words we said to each other that we didn't mean. Lastly was earth that grounded us so far from one another that we thought that the candle had gone out completely. I gave it time to find its strength and now I've learned even more. I'm not afraid to let the candle go out because I know that I'll always have the lighter to relight it.

I've always seen relationships as the element of fire because without anything to burn, it can easily be blown out. At the same time, given too much freedom it will ruin everything it touches. But given the right amount of fuel it can provide needed light and warmth to those who possess it. My candle has dimmed and brightened tonight. In the past it has gone out and been relit by Jeremy. Whether it flickers constantly or continues to be relit by the same lighter, I know it at least has the option to be relit. And that has never made me feel so confident in my entire life about a relationship or about me in general.

Thanks to the House of Night novels (yes I finished Burned in less than two days):
There is no such thing as destiny or meant-to-be. The choices we make today will change what will happen tomorrow. The future of my candle is as fluid as the water that puts it out, as delicate as the flame that dances on it when the wind blows through it, and as protected as it can be with the spirit and earth surrounding it. But regardless of what I choose, there will always be a balance of good and bad. It just depends on which I choose to see as the main consequence of my choice. Will the relighting of my candle be good because it's relit; or will it be bad because it cannot be lit by a new flame? Either way, I chose to relight it, and that has changed my future :)

I'll figure it out when I decide to understand it. Until then... Laters!

welcome back

Sigh. I guess it's time to update the blog. I've been holding off until grades came out but apparently Skidmore decided to lie to me and NOT post grades a week after school ended. Anyway... I haven't really had anything special happen to me lately. Well, not since the last post anyway. I've just been reading (A LOT), studying for GREs (A LOT), and working (not so much). There just isn't enough for me to do at work. I saw the amount of reading I'm gonna have to do for Conflict Resolution.... Shoot me, shoot me NOW!!!! There's a whole brick plus 7 books. I ordered two of the books off amazon since they were cheaper than at the SkidShop and one came in already. I started reading it and lemme tell you.... it is BO-RING. It's about how mediation came to be a field. I got through half of chapter one and was like I'm gonna fail this class. I can't even get through one reading when I have nothing better to do. When I have better things to do (like work on my senior sem project :D) how am I gonna focus on this boring book (or any of the boring readings I may have to read)?!?! Man-o-man. I can't wait to start working on my senior sem project. I've been working with two data sets this summer and I'm not gonna lie, I'm SO stoked for both of them. One has a little over a half a million cases while the other has a little over 500..... Jee I wonder which data set I'm working with lol. But I get to watch the latter of the two grow and I get to collect data as well as analyze and put them into SPSS. This is like primary data I'm working with!!! I'm pretty sure everyone else is working with secondary data for their project so that's why I'm going with the secondary data, plus there's more to work with. So let me tell you about it...

It's data about inmates in the U.S. Basically it tells me their basic demographics, what kind of crime they committed, how long their sentence length is, and who has gone to jail or prison before. I've been playing around with it for a little bit and I gotta tell you.... there are a handful of people who have committed a murder and are in prison for less than a year!!!! How scary is that?! OK granted most of my crime knowledge is coming from 10 seasons of CSI... but still, if someone I loved was murdered, I'd want the murderer behind bars a lot longer than a year. Another "fun" yet so not surprising fact: Drug possession and trafficking are the two most frequent, non-violent crimes people go to prison for. Go America.... I can't wait until I get to pick a topic and start formulating a presentation for this seminar. I'm already inspired. I'm learning lots of new terminologies for this data set.... like differences between jail and prison, murder and manslaughter, burglary and robbery.... you know, stuff like that. It makes you really wonder about the safety of your home while you sleep. It's even scarier when you do what I do: work with the data set and then watch either Pretty Little Liars or CSI alone with the lights off.... remind me why I do this to myself again...?? My upstairs neighbors like to freak me out because they're three guys living together and know I get scared easily. One walks super heavily above my bedroom and then one of his roommates knock on my door randomly. They're super fun to hang out with during the day when I don't have to work, but they're mean to me at night :P

My supervisor, Joe from Res Life, and scary Alyssa took me to lunch yesterday. They're a fun crew to hang out with but I feel weird being like 5-9 years younger than them and eating lunch at pizza hut together . I want friends to hang out with!!! Maria, hurry up and get your butt to Skidmore so we can have our wine and oregano date :D I'm off from work for the weekend so I'm pretty sure I'm gonna have a great weekend of reading my oh so wonderful mediation book... My reward for finishing this book will be starting Burned :) I finished Tempted today and I'm incredibly stunned by what happened. I can't wait to start my next pleasure book!!!! And then after that one I get to work my way through the next series.... aka Pretty Little Liars ;) I wanna know what happens next in the tv series and I figured I could read the books to find out.... but I have a lot to get through before I can start those books. LAME! Oh well, at least it's something for me to do for the next two weeks.... I say two weeks because in three.... I START SCHOOL!!!! WHOOOOO HOOOOOO I'M A SENIOR AND I CANNOT WAIT TO GRADUATE IN 9 SHORT MONTHS!!!!!!

Ok now that that's out of my system.... I'm done for a while. Nothing really interesting is happening. I'll let you know about my Psych grade when it comes out :D Until then... Laters!

KARMA HATES ME!!!!!

OMG fine! You win!! Every time I try to separate myself from my parents, something bad happens. When I get into a fight with them, when I travel without them, when I do something that either of them disapproves of.... the list goes on. Basically if I'm not the daughter that they want me to be, something bad happens. Karma should be renamed My Parents.

Last night I got mad at my mom because she was telling me something I didn't want to hear. Whether I needed to hear it or not, I have yet to decide. So yea, I blew up at her. Most daughters do that all the time when they're in high school, but I didn't; I ALWAYS kept my comments to myself because I was always afraid she would get mad at me and I hate when my mom and I don't have a peaceful atmosphere around us. So the solution is simple: keep your comments to yourself=keep the peace. This was one of the few times we actually have a full blown disagreement and I got openly mad at her, and of course, crap starts to happen to me.

This morning I heard a noise in some plastic bags. I thought maybe the wind is moving them. It was 5am so of course I'm disoriented. I fall back asleep. Then I hear a thud from upstairs and think "oh those guys again" but I was more awake this time. I hear more plastic bags rustling and decide to check it out. I open my closet, nothing, I go lie down in bed. I see something move from my closet to my window, climb up my curtain, and scamper across my books.... it's a mouse. HOW THE HELL DID A MOUSE GET INTO MY APARTMENT?! I freak out of course because I don't know what to do. So I grab a bag and try to catch it. I screamed twice cuz it first jumped at me, and then ran toward my feet on the ground. I eventually manage to chase it out of my apartment. I don't know where it is in relation to the rest of the house (since I'm in a basement apartment) but I know it left my living room and went out into the stair area that leads outside. I come back into my room to vacuum just in case it left any "presents" in my room, and find fungus. Yes, that's right. All those times my apartment flooded, apparently the floor didn't dry well because my apartment is always so humid. The floor always feels sticky and has always felt sticky. If I lie down on the carpet to do my homework or something I always get up feeling damp. That's just how the apartment has always felt. But low and behold I'm growing fungus through my carpet. I called my landlord (sorry for the 6am wake up call but this is an emergency!) and he said he'd be down before 8:30 to take a look. I have to leave for school at 8:45 but I trust him in my apartment without me there; he's a good guy.

So there you have it. Less than 12 hours ago I was writing my mom an angry email and feeling frustrated. Now I have a major headache and I'm pretty sure my stress level went from a 5 on the Chelsey Scale to a 9.8.... now if you compare my scale to a normal person's scale.... I went from a 10 to a 20 on a scale of 1-10. You know what?? I surrender. Karma, you win! I'm sorry I ever doubted my parents' decisions. I'm meant to be the daughter I was in high school. Doing everything because everyone expects me to do it. I'm applying to Disney in Florida. That's that. No more stress about it.

I, Chelsey, am applying to Disney World's Disney College Program for the fall semester of 2011.

It's in writing for everyone to see. The next time I question it.... SOMEONE PLEASE REMIND ME OF THIS BLOG ENTRY AND I'LL GLADLY STOP B*T*HING ABOUT IT.

Skid Kidz.... F*** it!! Call me what you want. I don't care anymore. Give me the judgmental stares of "You're how old?? and you want to do what??" I rather have my parents think I'm the girl I was when I left for college than have you think I'm the girl I was when I got there. It's not like I'm keeping in touch with any of you when I leave... I don't even keep in touch with you when I'm not on campus. So judge all you want. Just don't talk to me because "you heard I'm a Disney Freak."

Mom, I'm sorry for getting mad at you but there's just more to the frustration than I led you to believe. That's what I do, I avoid confrontation and find other excuses so that it seems like I'm doing it for other reasons. I don't know why I do it.

J, K, and the other girls I asked about this problem, thanks for the advice but I don't think I'm ever going against the crowd ever again... I'm doing what everyone else wants me to do because... well... honestly, it's just safer for my health. Avoid going against the crowd=avoid stressing so much. See you in class!

Jeremy, take care of yourself!! Sorry you're so sick on the first few days back in the country :/ Nice welcome home present huh?? I love you so much.

Everyone else, sorry for the schizo ness of these last few blogs. I'm just giving into my natural personality.... I'm a 4.5 out of 5 in the neuroticism category of my personality test you know. Also studies have shown that neurotic people prefer to stress before an event because they feel that it will benefit them in the overall outcome.... aren't you glad I'm taking a psych course this summer??? So to recap... I'm doing Disney in Florida; I am still applying to UPS but should I get accepted to both, I will have to defer to the next semester; I will never disagree with my parents ever again and if I don't like what they're saying, I'll keep my mouth shut like I have in the past; I am going to try my hardest to stop being so self conscious about what the Skid Kidz say about me (I mean, I named them Skid Kidz for a reason....); and I will act like I hyped up on Serotonin, Endorphins, and Dopamine to be the happiest, highest, drunk-sounding person in the world (I'll have to act like that when I work for Disney won't I??) I'll keep writing, if you keep reading! Until then... Laters.

Just another update

Today marks the one week mark. I can wear makeup once again in 7 days :D I'm pretty excited for all the things coming up so soon... but I'm also kinda nervous and stressed and, well you know, Chelsey about it. Let's recap shall we??

4 days until Jeremy comes back to the states which means that we'll be able to talk again
7 days until my summer school class is done and I can wear makeup again
33 days until everything has to be prepped for work which includes pre-or and orientation planning, video clips for classes, SPSS data collection organization, and until I move in to NORTHWOODS
39 days until senior year classes start

I really wish I knew when I would see Jeremy again. I know it's sometime in September but I'm not positive when that will be, so I can't have a count down for that yet. I have a dilemma: I'm pretty sure Jeremy will be staying with me and my 3 housemates for a month or so.... basically he has no idea how long he's staying, therefore I have no idea how long he's staying. I told my housemates that he's visiting but since we don't know how long he's staying I can't give my housemates any info. I'm not entirely sure if they'll be alright with him staying for so long. I feel guilty for having him stay for so long but I haven't seen him or talked to him for a month and I won't see him for another month or so after this so I REALLY REALLY want him to stay with me for as long as he can. What do I do?? Should I be feeling this guilty?? What if they're not alright with it?? I don't want them to feel uncomfortable since we're all living there together and it's not any one of our apartments... It's all of ours, you know?? I just don't want to be the reason all of our senior years end up being drama-filled from the get-go. If anyone has any ideas, PLEASE feel free to help me out.

In other news:
I made a new friend in summer school. Her name is Katie and she's a junior in high school.... I wanna say she's from Chicago but I'm not entirely sure on that one since I don't pay attention to where people are from. She's here with her gparents for the summer term and they live out on Lake George. I'm hoping she responds to my text cuz she invited me to go hiking this weekend but she might be going to Connecticut with her family. I really wanna go hiking and I need someone to go with.... mostly because I WILL get lost if I go alone. Anyway, she goes home next week after class is done so this is the last weekend we would be able to hang out. Sad, I should've been more social at the start of the month so that we could have hung out all summer while she was here. She's a fun one to talk to.
Sarah from UConn is coming to visit me August 13th :) I haven't seen her in over a year!! We're gonna have a fun little catch up sesh. Short story behind us meeting.... I met her at Orientation in Australia (yes the same orientation I met Jeremy). I was eating our lunch time snack with someone named Tony and he and her were studying at the same school, UTas (University of Tasmania), so she came and sat with us. I didn't have any friends because I was sleeping in a cabin on my own whereas EVERYONE else was in a cabin with 7 or 8 other people. How I got stuck alone, I don't know. So she became my friend and we hung out the ENTIRE orientation. I became adopted into the UTas fam because I was closer with that school of people than I was my own... ANU. So bottom line, we became close and then lost contact (of course, it's me!) for pretty much the year. But now that I have no weekend plans... ever... she's agreed to come for a visit!! Yay!!
I have been studying for the GREs and have been getting REALLY REALLY REALLY anxious about applying to grad school. There's so much I should be doing for that honestly it's just stressing me out way too much. I need to write my application, my essay, take the GREs, get my recommendations.... I just don't wanna leave it to the last minute. Then there's the whole Disney College Program that I really wanna do, but that's another problem in and of itself. I won't be able to see Jeremy for 8 months if I do it. I'm not sure if I'll be able to defer my acceptance for a semester, should I get accepted to UPS. I don't even know if I'll get accepted to any of these places I'm applying to. This is all just a big headache. I want this year to be done. I want it to be May. I want to know what's happening with the rest of my life. Here are some scenarios with pros and cons:

Scenario #1
I get into UPS and go straight after college.
Pros: I live with Jeremy right out of college and I finish my degree within 4 years.
Cons: I don't get to do the Disney College Program

Scenario #2
I get into the Disney College Program at Disney World and am able to defer my acceptance to UPS
Pros: I get to work for Disney. I can make a ton of money and meet new people just like me.
Cons: I won't get to see Jeremy for 8 months. I will stretch my degree to about 4 and a half years.

Scenario #3
I get into the Disney College Program at Disneyland and am able to defer my acceptance to UPS
Pros: I get to work for Disney. I get to see Jeremy every now and then but not for more than a day at a time.
Cons: I get crap jobs at Disneyland to choose from. I will stretch my degree to about 4 and a half years.

Scenario #4
I don't get accepted to either UPS or the Disney College Program.
Pros: I can move to Oregon or Washington to live with Jeremy and then figure it out from there. At least I tried
Cons: I won't have anything to do until I figure out my life.

Honestly I've never felt so torn. Living with Jeremy is something I've wanted to do since I stayed with him in Redlands, which is when we became an official couple. I grew so comfortable with having him there when I woke up and when we made meals together. Doing it all alone makes sleep harder to enjoy and eating taste not as good. But Disney is what I grew up with. Part of me thinks that I wanna do it just because I idolize Disney so much. I'm more than a Disney fan.... I'm a crazy girl when it comes to Disney. Will I regret not ever working with them?? I don't know. Will I regret not even applying because I'm afraid to choose between Disney and Jeremy?? Maybe. Will I regret going if I don't get to see Jeremy for 8 months straight?? Probably. I became depressed when I was separated from him for a month after we were only together for a week. I've never been this in love with any guy before. I've never considered giving up a goal for a guy until him. I know that in the past guys have dumped me because he doesn't wanna hold me back from my dreams and I always call BS on that because if he really liked me he would want me to have to choose.... And in the past I have complained that I wanted someone who wanted me to have to give up something to be with him. Well, here's the situation. What do I do now?? Do I keep going after my dreams and making him wait?? He's already waiting for me to graduate (he's a year older remember?). How long will he wait for me?? Am I risking losing him if I ask for just another 8 months?? That's like another year of school. That's another year of being 3000 miles apart. I don't want that distance but will I regret not applying 30 years down the road when I'm taking my family to Disneyland and looking around thinking "I could've had that job"??

Be careful what you wish for because the grass is never really greener on the other side. I don't know what to do. Someone please help me. Should I even apply for DCP?? and if I do and if I get accepted, should I go?? Where do I draw the line between making my heart happy and making my mind happy?? If I could have both I would be living in a fairytale with a happily ever after.... I know my happily ever after is out there somewhere... I just don't know where. Can someone point me in the right direction?? Hopefully I can figure all this out.... Until then... Laters.

WHAT DO I DO?!?!?!?!

I can't believe it. It only took 3 short months for Andrew to claw his way back into my life. Yes, he started talking to me again. He stopped talking to me when I wrote that blog about him not too long ago. I was amazingly happy for that entire time he wasn't in my life. That's the time I met Jeremy and when my life suddenly turned from soap opera drama to magical Disney fairy tale. Now all of a sudden, now that Jeremy is in Africa and I can't talk to him so often, Andrew is talking to me..... WHAT A F****** COINCIDENCE!!!! Why does the universe hate me?! He hasn't even talked to me that much and I'm already crying and about 2 seconds away from cutting myself.

Seriously, how hard is it to leave someone who hurts you alone?? He actively tries to contact me and yet, I hurt him. According to him, he's sick of crying from trying to love me. And he still, and always will, love me. I DON'T WANT HIS LOVE. I get all the love I want and need from my family and Jeremy. If I make him cry so much, why would he continue to put himself into that position?? I will NEVER forgive him for making me hurt so much. I will NEVER forgive him for making from March of my freshman year to July after my sophomore year of college, hell.... It makes me so sick to know that I went out with him. I still, to this day, don't remember what made me attracted to him. I know he reads my blog, so I'm purposely being a major b**** to get him to leave me alone.

If anyone has any ideas on how to get an Ex that you wish were dead to leave you alone, PLEASE LET ME KNOW!!!!! I want so bad to be able to say "He's dead to me." But that's not gonna happen because he doesn't know the meaning of "leave me alone." It sucks that I wasted a year and a half of tears on him... at least I know what to do when I cry all night and have to look good the next day. UGHHHHHH Someone please help me!!!!!!

I'll keep you posted on what happens with him. Jeremy, I miss and love you so much. Please hurry home. My bed is getting cold at night. I need your warmth by my side. I can't wait for the day I wake up and don't have to wonder how many hours until one of us has to leave again. Some day, Baby, some day. Until then... Laters

Today

I GOT TO TALK TO JEREMY!!!!!!!! He called me. It was a really really weird number so I was hesitant to answer the phone. But I answered and after a second and a half of silence he said "hey babe." I was totally and utterly shocked!!!!!! I couldn't believe it. First I said "oh my god!!" and then I burst into tears. I just can't believe I was able to talk to him in AFRICA!!!! We chatted a little but he had to go to bed and besides international calling is expensive. So I couldn't really talk to him, but it was nice to hear his voice :) Sorry that you had to listen to me cry almost the entire time, babe!! I love you so much. Thanks for such a perfect surprise :)

I took my first psych exam today and it wasn't too bad. I'm pretty sure I got 6 points off since I got 2 multiple choice questions wrong and each one is worth 3 points.... fml. I get the test back on Monday so we'll see. I didn't work today but my apartment flooded yesterday so I'm still working on cleaning that up. There are still a ton of wet spots that when I step in it there's a squishy sound.... after I clean the spot, I wait a few hours and then step in it again and AGAIN it squishes. There is SOMETHING wrong with my floor... it just keeps absorbing water!!! wtf?!?!

Tomorrow: I get to work from 1-4 :D and have I mentioned I LOVE my job :) and then either before or after work I'm going to dance so that I can get the video for Jeremy done. I'm helping out with a scavenger hunt on Saturday and I really really really wanna go hiking on Sunday.... Anyone wanna go?? *sigh* I'll let you know on Monday what happens with my weekend and test. I'm so happy I could talk to my Love <3 I miss you so much, sweetie!! I'll talk to you soon. Everyone else, until then..... Laters!

Happy Birthday!!!!

Sigh. Technically Jeremy's birthday is tomorrow but I have an exam tomorrow so I'm procrastinating now. Sooooo....

Jeremy isn't here to celebrate his birthday with me. His 21st birthday wasn't GREAT because he was in Australia and not with his friends... well he was with newly made friends, but it's just not the same you know?? And now he's in Tanzania with 19 high schoolers and his co-lead. Again, friends, but he's technically working, not with me, and it's just not the same. If he were with me, and I wasn't in school, I would plan so many things for him. I would make him breakfast in bed, take him out to lunch, get him really drunk just for the hell of it, and then either take him to a romantic dinner or make him a romantic dinner... either way, it would be one he remembered forever. I actually have made the cookies he loves so much. He may not be here but it was still the thought that counts. If he were here I wouldn't hide the cookies from him. I would let him eat as many as he wanted. I would give him a massage, make him lots of snacks, basically just treat him like a king. Aw man I miss him so much!! I wish so much that he could be here with me. I could throw him a birthday week!!!! Omg there is so much I would do for him. I can't wait to make your 23rd birthday the best birthday of your life, baby!!!! Hurry home so I can talk to you. A month of no contact is driving me insane. I saw you in my dream last night and when I woke up I felt like my heart was filled with rocks. Sigh. Again. I hope you're having an amazing time in Tanzania and I can't wait until I can hear your voice and see your incredibly cute face again.

Thanks for reading everyone!! Keep on the look-out for more updates of what's going on in my life. Until then... Laters.

happy belated anniversary

I was supposed to remember to write here two days ago >< July 9, 2010 was Jeremy and my one year anniversary of meeting. We met in Sydney, Australia on July 9, 2009. He had actually seen me on July 8th but he was too damn smooth and we actually met on the 9th. I didn't know he liked me but apparently he did a bunch of things that got my attention in such a subtle way that I completely overlooked it. Any how, he sat next to me on the bus from the Taronga Zoo which is when I officially met him. This blog is a shout out to my baby in Tanzania.

I love you so much and I cannot tell you how happy I am we met. I hope you're having heaps of fun in Africa. I can't wait until you're back so that I can hear all of your stories. I miss you so much and look forward to when I'll see you again in September. I love you I love you I love you!!!!!! XX

Wednesday is his birthday so yea you can expect another blog dedicated to him.... aka more PDA when he's a million miles away. I just love him so much!!!!!! I'll be back on Wednesday to update you on how much I miss my love :P Until then... Laters!

just so you know

things have been crazy busy!!!! I got back to Ballston and NOTHING happened. So I didn't update this blog for a while. I spent a few days cleaning and what not in my apartment. When I got notification of Jeremy coming to visit from June 30th to July 5th, I was so happy words can't come anywhere close to describing what I felt. I couldn't wait for him to get here. The morning of the 30th I woke up and cleaned one more time just to pass the time until I needed to get Jeremy from the airport. I checked the JFK website and saw that his flight had been cancelled. I FREAKED!!!! I called Jeremy and told him and he thought I was joking. I said "no really, baby, check on it. Your flight is cancelled!" So he called me back about an hour later and said "The words are like stones in my heart but my flight is cancelled." I thought I was going to faint when he said that. He got another flight but it would have taken away an entire day that we would have spent together AND they were flying him into Boston!!!! Jeremy found another flight going out earlier and harassed the airlines about it and got onto the earlier flight. This flight brought him into JFK around 12:40. I went into the baggage claim and saw him walk through the doors. He didn't know I would be in baggage claim so when he saw me he had the BIGGEST smile on his face I have ever seen in my life :D Then we got his bags, hopped in the car, and Jeremy drove us back to Ballston. By the time we got back to the apartment it was 5am and we were both EXHAUSTED. We spent the next 24 hours in bed. Occasionally we got up to go to the bathroom and eat, but that was about it.
On July 2nd we ate lunch for Jeremy's birthday at Sushi Thai (I managed to steal the bill and pay before he could see what it was lol) and hung out around campus for a while. We ate dinner at Hatties for our anniversary of meeting and I was supposed to pay but he gave the waitress his card when she brought the bill which meant that he paid without knowing how much it was. I was mad that he paid for our anniversary dinner since it was my choice to eat there. But thanks for my first and best anniversary ever, baby :) I love you so much!!!!
We spent the next day in the apartment and went to the grocery store in the evening. It's always fun grocery shopping with Jeremy :) We have so much fun doing the simplest things. Jeremy wanted a bag of Sun Chips. Do you have ANY idea how much noise those bags make?! They're soooo annoying! And I made my feelings about those bags very clear to him. Of course, what does he do?? He crinkles the bag so that more noise is constant. After I got him to stop he said, "ok now that I have a migraine, let's put these in a ziploc." I laughed because he admitted that the bag annoyed him more than it did me :P WIN :D
July 4th: I packed up heaps of food for our time in Congress Park. We left the apartment around 6:30 and hung out in the park until the end of the fireworks at like 10. I packed spam musubis, salad, chips, cookies, chocolate coins, and water. I bought ice cream and we ate ice cream cookie sandwiches :) DELICIOUS!!!! We met a family who had an Akita that was only 11 weeks old. Cutest puppy ever!!! We both want one. We talked with each other for 3 hours and just imagined what it would be like to the family we met. I think it's safe to say that we both want that to happen eventually. It was an incredibly romantic evening. Picnic, hours of talking, fireworks, waiting in the parking lot for the traffic to die down, more talking. It was just a perfect 4th of July. I love you so much, baby J!!!
I started school on the 5th of July and had to leave the apartment for a while. When I got back from my class, Jeremy was writing in his journal to me. I left him alone so he could finish that. Then I massaged him and we spent the last few hours together watching Final Destination 2. We watched A LOT of movies while he was here.... I think we got through about a quarter of all the DVDs I own... and that's a lot. I took him to Crossgates and we ate dinner before heading down to JFK. I dropped him off at the airport his co-leads and he were staying at while the kids flew in and then I had to say good bye. I had never felt so much pain before. I know I'm seeing him again in 2 months but it still hurt. I even promised not to wear any make up until he was back in the States. I have currently gone 3 days without make up and I will continue with this until he's back in August. I can't wait to see him in September.

On a happier note.... Class and work started. Class is SO great. I am super interested in this class and I love my Prof as well as the material she's covering. I started to meet some of the kids in my class but they're all 4-5 years younger than me so it's weird. Work is also amazing!! I get paid to help with random projects like pre-or, Skidmazing race, Starr, and video clip editing. Today I got paid to watch Boyz N The Hood for a specific scene to edit. I LOVE MY JOB!!!! I also helped with Skidmazing race. Melito is part of that and I never thought I'd see her again!! Damnit. haha. I promise I'll try not to go so long without updating you again. Baby I miss you already and I hope you have an amzing time in Africa. Thanks for making the trip out here happen. Like you said, "This was time stolen, I wasn't supposed to see you until September." I love you so much and I hope you know that :) For everyone else, Thanks for reading!! Until then.... Laters!

Back in the 518

So here's an incredibly late update....

June 11: My family gets up to San Diego. My cousins, Uncle Grant, Auntie Sandy (who is Uncle Grant's sister), and Grandma all stay in the Marriott that has TWO floors. My parents stay with Rendi and I at Rendi's place.

June 12: We wake up at 7am to get ready to go meet the rest of the family at the hotel. We get to the hotel at around 8 and then all head out to the San Diego Zoo. We stay there from opening until about 4 or 5. Then we went shopping. I was EXHAUSTED by the end of the day. Jeremy called me on this day :) but I was too tired to really talk. Plus I had NO privacy with my parents in one room and my sister in the other.

June 13: RENDI GRADUATED!!!!! We spent all afternoon in the sun. Then we took family pictures. When I say family pictures I mean pictureSSSSSS. We had about ten different groupings such as kids, grandkids, those who chose, families, etc. And we took multiple pictures of each group.... serious, funny, funnier, etc. Then we went to dinner at a ridiculously high class restaurant and had a BLAST!!!!!

June 14: Another early day going to the San Diego Wild Life Park. I saw my CHEETAHSSSSSS :D I loved it more than I thought I would but I was so grouchy afterwards. I was so F'n tired!!!!! It was hot and I was getting sun burnt. I think we went shopping after that but I don't really remember.

June 15: We head up to LA to go to DISNEYLAND!!!! Then we go to Ontario Mills and eat at Rainforest Cafe. OMG I almost had the same waitress as when I was there for my birthday!!!!! I said hi to her and she was like "omg you look totally familiar!!!" And then she started re-enacting all the highlights from that night :) She wants Jeremy and I to go back and request for her haha. Then we headed back to the Disneyland Hotel before going out to Disneyland that night.

June 16: All day at Disneyland :D Saw FANTASMIC!!!!!!

June 17: Breakfast at Goofy's Kitchen :D :D best breakfast EVERRRRRRRR!!! Then California Adventure Park. Then we saw fireworks!!

June 18: California Adventure Park again.... SAW WORLD OF COLOR!!!!! Sooooo good!!!!!!!!

June 19: Family goes off to the airport. I go back to SD with Rendi. I head off the airport.... end of family trip :(

June 20: I'm back in Toga and running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to settle in. I managed to unpack and take inventory of everything I needed, i.e. pots, pans, dishes, etc.

June 21: GROCERY SHOPPING!!!!!! I was hungry when I left the apartment so I bought a lot of foods that I hope I still have a craving for tomorrow haha. That's pretty much it for now... The apartment is good but not quite home. I think I'm giving blood tomorrow. I'm definitely getting braces on Wednesday and a week from Wednesday is when JEREMY COMES TO VISIT!!!!!!!!!! I'm soooooooooooo excited and I can't wait to see him. I thought we would have to wait until September to see each other again but NOPE!!!!! I get to see him in a little over a week :D :D :D :D OMG I'M SO EXCITED !!!!!!!!!!! I'll definitely update you before he comes but I'm beat now so I'm gonna head off to bed... Until then... Laters!

I'm officially the worst gf EVER

I made my boyfriend worry about me. I don't mean worry because I'm sick, or because I'm depressed. I mean worry that he can't trust me. He's gone through a lot with his ex-gf. She was terrible to him, put him through hell and back, and I knew that from the beginning. I worked extremely hard to make sure that he knew he could trust me. I trusted myself not to become her. All it took was one freak out sesh and it all went down hill from there. Here's the basic story from my point... it might be a little different from his side because he just got the texts from me.

I woke up multiple times from horrible dreams. I was exhausted and in a lot of pain. My arms felt like jelly, my back was screaming, and my heart felt like someone had put cage around it and there were spikes getting closer and closer to it with every second. He texted me "fml... just going to bed... still thinking of u... always thinking of u... sleep well my angle" at like 4am. Then at 9 he sent "*angel :) good morning babe, how'd u sleep?" I woke up to that text and flipped sh*t. I was irritated and angry and I didn't know why. I responded, "Terrible. this text woke me up from yet another bad dream. I had 4 last night and woke up 4 times. I give up on sleeping already." His response made me angrier: "o hun, I'm sorry :(" I don't know why I was so angry. All I knew was that I was. I didn't want to take it out on him so I said I wouldn't be responding much to his texts because I was grouchy (understatement of the century). I was so upset I was contemplating ripping my skin off my arm out of frustration.... just for entertainment. Luckily I didn't. I studied for GRE's instead. I didn't get out of bed until 11 and then went back to bed at 12 and then moved to the couch around 2. I watched TV and read a little and EVERYTHING I did had a cheating theme. So I freaked. I was already at a high emotional state. I started seeing myself turning into his ex-gf. I couldn't believe myself. How can I expect him to trust me if I couldn't even trust myself?! So as I'm freaking out I'm sending him beyond moronic texts. He's sending me texts like "babe I love u" and "u ok?" and "I wish I could be there to cook u dinner..." Everything I need to feel better. But no, I have to go and be stupid by telling him about the whole not being able to trust myself issue. How much more stupid can I get?! Then I realize I'm a few days away from my period which is why I'm all hormonal. But I didn't tell him that. I just said that I figured out why I'm being crazy and the crazy should go away in a couple of days and I hope he still loves me in a couple days.... now that I read that out of context... It sounds like I cheated on him and the other guy will be gone in a couple days and I hope he can forgive me for that. HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO STUPID?!?!?!?! He didn't know I was PMSing.... how could he?? I had just had my period last month when I was with him. Of course he wouldn't think about that as a possibility... *SLAP ACROSS THE FACE*

Here's where it gets even worse. When I'm in pain I try to distract myself from the cause of the pain. Missing him is what's causing me pain. So I tried to get him out of my head but I couldn't. He's the soul focus of all my energy and free time. But I didn't explain that to him. I just said I can't get you out of my head. He asked " are u trying to..." FML I just dug my grave and laid down in it still alive. So I try to explain it to him but there was a lot of missing details that I realized I hadn't told him. His response (100% appropriate) was "idk how to take this..." I basically let him watch me push someone off the edge of a cliff and then told him to stand at the edge of the same cliff expecting him to trust that I wouldn't push him off too. He's not an idiot. Idk how I could've been so incredibly stupid. I didn't want him to be mad at me so I continued to text him trying to explain the situation and why everything was so messed up. But then he responded that he wasn't mad, he was afraid of me. I'm not gonna lie, at this point I was afraid of myself too. I didn't know who I had become. I didn't recognize myself. I have never told a bf I loved him and felt it the way I feel it for him. I had never missed someone so bad it hurt. I had never ever in my life doubted myself and my judgment to question whether I would cheat on him. I've always felt secure about my relationships. I've never been the lovey dovey mushy gf who constantly said I love you, I miss you. I never let myself get attached like that. I haven't ever depended on someone else for my happiness the way I depend on him. I was scared of who I had become. I knew that the more I fell for him, the harder it would be for me to feel comfortable with the new emotions I was feeling. He didn't know this. He didn't understand why I was fighting it.

I listened to my heart. It told me I was ready. The only way I was going to be able to get used to it was by dealing with it. Yes, it was scary. Yes, I was unsure of how I felt about it. No, I'm not running anymore. I'm facing this fear head on with him by my side. I'm tired of hiding from myself. I don't know who I am anymore because I refused in the past to know who I could become. I love him. Why do I feel the need to hide from that? I'm scared. But isn't that half the fun of an adventure? The uncertainty, the risks, the challenge... He is the greatest adventure I have set off on and I don't expect it to end any time soon. This is the adventure I have been looking for since I had my first crush. I've been in an out of so many relationships looking for someone who would give me this thrill, this fear, this love.

If you're reading this, J3, I want you to know... I know I scared you last night. Hell, I scared myself. But now, I've never been more sure of myself. I hope you can find it in your heart to trust me again. I'm not cheating on you. I will never cheat on you. I'm not going anywhere without you. I'm not fighting these feelings anymore. My name had never sounded so foreign until you said it last night. It was like we were strangers again. Each time you said it, I hurt. I felt like I let you down. I felt like I lied to you. I felt like you were ready to walk away with every stupid thing I was saying. I want to prove to you that I'm here to stay. I want to prove to you that I'm not Her. I want you to love me forever. I want to love you forever. It's you and me, baby. Forever.

Until then... Laters.